God listens

He does. He cares deeply. Maybe a little too deeply at times because he's obviously been reading my blog and seen fit to send me the below - An email from 'Roberto', a guy that's contacted me for 'dating purposes leading to a marital life'.

Now let's be fair, I'm only human. Who wouldn't be intrigued and maybe a little turned on by a random dude called Roberto proposing marriage through email? I mean, it's what every little girl dreams of right? A relationship that started with the phrase 'I'm contacting you for dating purposes' through an email sent to multiple hotmail account holders. It's what fairytales are made of.

So, I'd be a fool to not find out more right? Right.

Here are some choice quotes from Roberto's website (seemingly specifically set up in order to catch himself a hot little piece of tail):

"I'm not a present physically but well,
it depends what you look for in a couple's
relationship, it really costs me nothing to
send you a letter :) absolutely nothing ..."

Although Roberto is not present physically, let's kick this whole thing off in style shall we? Cost-free style that is. Roberto, I'm taking the bait...

"Well, i've never really worked till today,
because i had the oportunity to be
supported for a long time by my parents
who are living in a detached house actually.
They've lent me their old apartment. I've
never got to work because there wasn't
any good reason in my life to do it."

Ok. So you're telling me you're a bum who scrounges off his parents? Roberto, if you think that's going to put me off then you obviously haven't been delving deep enough into my dating cupboard. In my books, that makes you a catch! I like a man who can scrounge off his parents rather than me.

"i've wasted a lot of time thinking about music, spending nights with receptionists who are frends, in a local hôtel in paris."

A night spent with a receptionist friend is NEVER a night wasted. That's simple science and we all know it. I spend a lot of time thinking about sitcoms and toilet cubicle etiquette. It's like we're meant to be!

"I was absorbed by music composition, knowing that i was avoiding a normal life with a woman i could have loved. But my family's big here, so i will always find a place in any administration, or i can always find a place in a
warehouse to package anything.
I don't worry about it, i can get that
right away, if i see that we both
can make a life together."

Ok, thank God. If we make a life together you haven't forgotten the practicalities of holy matrimony. You could find a place in a warehouse to package anything. THAT is a load off of my mind. I was wondering how you were intending to support me and the children.

[He then goes on for a really really long time about composing music and why he didn't want to become an accountant].

Roberto, you don't need to explain this shit to me. Firstly, I wouldn't want to become an accountant either, and secondly, we're getting married! As if I don't understand the way my future hubbie's mind ticks! Come on now! But wait...

"Do you understand that, in france, you wouldn't have the same qualifications, your studies in your country wouldn't help you to get the same job ? I'm not worried in seeing you work if we start to live together you're interested in mebut, we can think about it in time. maybe a year after, but if we see that, we can live with the little money i'll make out of that first job, then you could eventually stay at home. It will depend of our situation.

So am I getting to stay at home and eat Pringles all day or not? This could be a deal breaker...

I wanted to find my future bride abroad because women of western europe are toomaterialist, superficial and conformist in general. And i love the way some foreign

languages sound, even if i don't understand

a word, i'm interested in the differences of

my future partner.

Do you think now is the right time for me to mention that I'm of Western European extraction? Probably best wait to till after the ceremony. I don't want to let my little Robsie down. Maybe I'll just talk gobbledygook for a few months and pretend to teach it to him but just incrementally increase the number of English words I'm using until he thinks he's become fluent in Sazzlish. (He obviously has a sound enough grasp of the English language for this to work).

I will be pleased

to kiss your neck and hands and other

parts during our intimate moments of life

while listening to you tell me words

in your native language. I will find that

cute, because my own languages bores

me :)

That means he wants me to talk dirty while we're fucking right?

I would also like to kiss, love,

caress your feet, all my life long .. .

In fact i don't consider myself as a

fetishist. i'm just a nice guy.

Oooooh-kay. Cos I don't remember saying I thought that was a fetish. No-one even breathed the word fetish. You're awfully defensive there Roberto. I mean, I know you're just a nice guy. A nice guy that likes to kiss, love, and caress feet all your life long. To be fair, my feet are quite nice. I ain't judging hunnybunch.

If other

people consider that as fetishism, then

they take it like something pointless

even useless .. . they're like other idiots

who keep trying to categorize simple acts

of life, for modern literature or the medias.

Those guys would rather seek holes in

a woman's body, treat them like a piece

of meat all their lives.

Riiiight... Well, I did just say that it's fine you really don't have to keep going...

I just love women's

feet, you should know, that if they

don't smell exciting to you, their effect

is totally different on me. That's just because

your feet contain hormones they excite

me, you couldn't get excited by your oun

hormones .. . I find it beautiful to take care of

a woman's feet when you're deeply involved in

a relationship. It's one of the things i wouldn't

like you to refuse me :)

...on about it. Hmm. You know before when you said it wasn't a fetish Roberto? Yeah. Well, just to let you know, even though I said I wouldn't judge, I am starting to judge a little bit now. I think we should be open and honest with one another if this is going to work.

Do you think you

can send me a close-up picture of your

feet ? please try to send that, and if you

don't have one, try to make it for me angel,

that would be very nice :)

Roberto. That isn't what I meant about open and honest communication. I'm starting to think this whole thing has been a set-up just to get a freaking picture of my freaking feet you sick fuck.

i want you

to answer me frankly. Do you feel

psychologically ready to live in couple

and conceive a family with a man

abroad ? You have to feel ready for

that because i am not looking for

internet love or school girls or basic

frendship. I am tired of vanity in life

and don't want to spoil my lifetime

uselessly anymore .. .

Don't change the subject and make out like you're serious about us Roberto! You know damn well this was never about internet love or school girls or basic frendship for me. This was always the real deal as far as I was concerned. Tell me Roberto, are you psychologically ready to conceive a family? Because I also am tired of vanity in life and don't want to spoil my time uselessly anymore (wait though... I still get to watch downloaded episodes of Perfect Strangers don't I? And spend Saturday mornings waking up to The Golden Girls on Living? You don't think that's useless time do you?)

Life has no

secrets for anyone, if you show

antipathy and negativity, you

will always get the same in return,

and if you show affection and human

grace, you might as well be loved in

return. We can learn and we have all

life to know each other if your intentions

of a family's life are good. You won't ever

be able to pretend to love me because

you have experienced life with me and

know the name of my parents or jacket.

love has no contract, love is frée.

People who are able to love have

their hearts fulfilled with love.

Love has different steps but

if you have a lovely heart, you

will open it to me without any

deals of any nature. In that case,

if you really want to experience life like

me, more than ever, what we should

do is join ourselves

That doesn't really answer the questions about Perfect Strangers and The Golden Girls but you seem easily distracted and artistic. Which is all I'm really looking for in a soul mate. Ok. I'm in. Let's do this!

you have to

make your oun efforts and also pay

your trip, i wouldn't do it because

in life, you give and take.

Err... foot fetishist says what now? I have to pay my own fucking way to come see YOU even though you're the one that wants me in his life? Fuck that shit.

i'll be

the one supporting you all my life,

and in the name of our love.

Well if you're supporting me AND the name of out love then I guess it does seem fair.

you also

have to understand that your qualifications

or studies of any kind won't ever be

useful abroad, but if you do or do

not have a job here, it's not a real

problem, you can be my homebody

and wife, a lot of women like to

stay at home, it's a privilege.

We may need to check what you think the word 'privilege' means. If you mean Perfect Strangers/Golden Girls marathons then yes. You are correct sir. Be warned though Roberto: I can watch the shit out of them shows. For real.

Knowing that the

immigration services are always

annoying, i will fertilize you as

soon as we'll be together which

will force the authorities to grant

you a right of residence.

Errm...

there is nothing wrong with it

as long as we both want it in our

hearts.

Well...

We could go back to

your country once every two

years to see your familly for holidays

which is natùral.

ONCE every two years?! You're not part of a cult are you Roberto? Am I still allowed to speak to them occasionally? Let's say... once a year or so?

If you're really

ready to live your life with a guy

like me, i should advise you to

take a stagecoach in direction

to Paris. Because planes are

dear expensive.

Artistic yet practical. A difficult combination to find in any man, least of all a man who's willing to marry me.

Tell me what

you think, and if you're interested

and when would you like to join

me here. Warm kisses to your

lovely hands, chest, navel, nose,

ears, forehead and pretty lovely

little toes XoXoX

Roberto,

With respect and

a real deep affection.

Maybe I can think about it for a couple days? Is that ok? Because, the only thing is, I wasn't planning on getting pregnant or leaving my family behind only to see them once every two years. At least, not this week. Not even for you Roberto. I'll look up Stagecoach times to Paris though, just in case I change my mind.