Sartorial Elegance

The chubby Little Mix'er girl is SO AMAZING and  lover her SO FREAKING MUCH. (Despite having no idea what her name is apart from 'The Chubby One' or 'The Best One')

What is this outfit? (Apart from pure brilliance).
Cheetara hair? CHECK
PINK lipstick to better contrast fake bake tan? CHECK
Clothes she found in a dump outside the Tron Legacy film lot? CHECK

I'm not saying I want to do anything weird with her - just snuggle under a blanket together and stroke her face while she gives me tips on living life.

I could have so done with this column 5 or so years ago

Just write “MURDER,” and then one minute later send a wink face.

Woah

Both of these individuals are conventionally attractive so I look at this, and think back to every time a camera shot has caught me at an unflattering angle (which are the photos I spend most time obsessing over), and have decided that maybe those pictures are not representative and I'm not so bad after all.

(Though it's still debatable).

Exhausted

How come it is only ever celebrities who are treated for exhaustion?

Have you ever known anyone that's had exhaustion that requires hospitalisation in 'real' life? I know/have known people with ME or CFS but that's not what they are being treated for, which, in my limited knowledge, are chronic conditions that last years rather than weeks and cannot be fixed by a quick spell in a clinic.

I'm genuinely curious as to what 'exhaustion' (the sort of exhaustion you need to go to hospital for) is like. In the case of Demi I can understand that going through a divorce is crazy stressful and I wouldn't have the arrogance to think I can understand her or her life, BUT, for instance, I have a full time job, volunteer for three different charities, have just started a counselling course, and try to maintain some semblance of a social life but if I went to a hospital and said 'I'm exhausted' (which sometimes I do feel), in the best case scenario they would say 'ok, go and get some rest then?' and then I'd say 'good idea' and go and do that.

I sometimes think my brain is too literal. I always tend to take people at face value and believe what they are telling me is true (which is how I get taken in by my boyf telling me 'Dr Pepper' is known as 'Dr Sel' in France "and isn't it weird they didn't call it 'Dr Poire'?") so that's probably why I'm struggling to understand this as it just seems like this word 'exhaustion' in this context is a signifier that everyone else understands and I don't, or a trick that is either fooling everyone or no one.

I guess what I'm asking is, how does the world work and how can  understand that better? Anyone?

Career change

I'm going be a psychic y'all! Because a free online test told me so!

Also, check the illustrious company I find myself in:

Clearly my personality type is: 'Total Baller'

I was a political prisoner

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Or: 'why the Princess/Prince Charming fantasy will only lead to crushing heartache and bitter disappointment, maybe it's better to aim for being a self-actualised adult instead of wishing for someone to save you from yourself?' 

29 things that make me happy at the start of 2012

• leopard print
• liquid eye liner
• fairy lights
• reading books
• going to the cinema
• videos of baby polar bear cub
• my boyf's face
• my boyf's chest
• my boyf when I make him do a proper throw back his head and guffaw laugh
• my boyf in general
• this picture
• red dog
• black dog
• my mum's rice pudding
• tidying up
• getting clean when I've not showered for a day (or more :/)
• big tea (tea in a big mug)
• writing
• when my nephew sits in the crook of my arm and idly plays with my belly fat
• listening to heavy rain (when its not being blown in the direction that makes it come in through my living room window)
• painting pictures of women that you wouldn't normally see painted pictures of (Ethel Merman, Judi Dench, Elizabeth Moss)
• being busy
• doing nothing
• thinking about what God means
• going for big walks
• being near the sea
• crossing things off of to do lists
• brightly coloured lipstick
• being in love with someone amazing who is in love with me

Observation

Don't you hate it when you have to go to one of the three volunteering jobs you have but all you really want to do is stay at home drawing twee pictures in the style of Virginia Frances Sterrett instead?

(Not sure I've quite got the hang of observational comedy yet?)

(Maybe this stuff works better if I'm stood against a brick wall with slap bass sountracking any interludes?)

(I also brushed my teeth before having breakfast so no orange juice for me because I am an idiot).

(Today is the worst).

'I don't find you annoying even a little bit'

me: hihi

7:54 PM oiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

bing bong

bingbingbingbingbingbingbingbing

BONG

ding dong

dingdingdingdingdingdingding

DONG

7:55 PM DINGDONGDINGDONG

boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Workin' hard or hardly workin'?

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Just chefing

me: why is sugar suddenly gay????????????

Kieran: because your face

me: honey is WELL gayer than sugar

Kieran: I think the honey works well in this dish

me: ok

fine

but honey is DEFO gayer than sugar

Kieran: yeah probably

me: good

im glad we agree on this
otherwise mind=blown

Kieran: oh I forgot, I also put in a knob of butter on top of the olive oil

me: ok

(lolol knob)

Hmm

Really struggling to work out how I feel about Peter Sarsgaard in short shorts.

Because on one hand, Peter Sarsgaard in short shorts! But on the other, Peter Sarsgaard in short shorts? You know? It's basically just the ol' "Peter Sarsgaard in short shorts" conundrum, something which has puzzled man since the dawn of time itself.

My boyf's life mantra.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Not enough

I loathe the idea of making someone feel like they are not enough. That they don't measure up. That they're stupid or fat or unworthy in some way. And I don't know if it's just that I'm waking up and noticing life's little injustices more and more or if this is a thing that's becoming more and more prevalent (or perhaps I'm just getting sensitive in my old age) but regardless; when I spot these things now I feel this deep burning rage that will not go away.

Flirting with people you have no interest in just to make yourself feel wanted? Not cool.

Making fun of someone for not having had an experience you've had? Not cool.

Making fun of someone for not having the same knowledge you do? Not cool.

How do we ever convince ourselves that it's ok to put someone else down to make ourselves feel good? I say this fully aware that I've done this. I can give you examples of when I've done this (there's probably many more times that I've forgotten about or was, even worse, oblivious to). Heck I'll probably do it again in future, but that doesn't mean it's okay or right.

As a general rule the harder path is the better path. In this particular instance that means making yourself feel good from within. It means choosing not to laugh at that girls outfit with your friends because of how much flesh she's showing. It means choosing not to think ill of the last girl your boyf slept with just because she spells it 'miss understood' (that may well be the hardest thing of all). It means choosing not to bitch about people because they're interested in football rather than theatre (or vice versa).

I know thoughts of this nature run through my head from a place of insecurity. There's nothing wrong with them per se but in no way am I better than another girl just because I don't spell words as they are written on albums by Pink. Viewing the world this way only makes things worse. I might sit there feeling smug and superior for being better at spelling but what does this achieve? This insecurity is something destructive. It's a thing we all have and use to grind one another down but nothing good comes out of it. Ever.

I'm also becoming more and more flummoxed by the idea that's there's only one proscribed type of beauty as I look around and see sexy, gorgeous, attractive people of all shapes and sizes and colours. I know this sounds glib but in particular seeing a cabaret show at the weekend with these fine figures of womanhood being sexy and funny on a stage in front of people made me realise that they weren't aspirational in terms of looks (and in fact I hate the whole 'fat vs thin' dichotomy - can we all not just accept our bodies as they are? Fat or thin or somewhere in between?) but attitude. They were comfortable in their own skin in a way not many people are. They weren't stood there going "I'm better than you because of how I look" they were just enjoying themselves and entertaining us. Dressed as grannies and lollipop ladies and matadors. Obviously. That attitude is what we need instead of letting fear and hurt and insecurity rule our actions. Individually let's just all agree how awesome we are and let that be enough. We can go off and do our own things safe in the knowledge that everyone's going to be supportive and friendly wherever we may turn. They might not agree or understand why we wear the things we wear, why we do the things we do, why we love the things we love but none of that matters. Because we all have our own looks and hobbies and passions. Those are the things we are fuelled by, not whether we're hotter or more intelligent or more cultured than anyone else.

Because if you're constantly walking around figuring out who you're better than then I can pretty much guarantee you're not better than anyone else at all.

PUH-LEASE

You're telling me this affliction I am cursed with is a good thing????!!!

NO DICE.

(For example; I curl up in unwavering horror at the dancing I did on Saturday night - fuck fuck fuck I did un-ironic booty grinding fuck; shitting motherfucking shit I got all ganster when snoop dogg came on; jesus h christ I flailed around so much I made someones pint go spinning right out of their hands - I refuse to believe these feelings are 'good' and not just a reflection of what an absolute twat I am)

Yup.

Last year, I was d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d. I had just been dumped by my stoner boyfriend (and then rebounded with a dude who asked, in all sincerity, if puppies were born live or hatched out of eggs).

Wish I didn't relate to this particular sentence quite as much as I do.

[also the article itself basically boils down to: always beware girls who wear thigh high socks and shorts to a dinner party. A-L-W-A-Y-S. And never go with a hippy to a second location. Has 30 Rock taught us nothing????]

"Come on, wok's wong?"

*facepalm*

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What?

Just looking through dozens and dozens of pictures from The Cosby Show. Why what are you doing?