Being bad is wicked cool

I love my car. The love I possess for my car is more than is probably natural between man and machine. I don't care though, because my love is pure and endless. Just like a Lionel Ritchie song.

Unfortunately, as with most (all) relationships - one partner has to be adoring (me) whilst the other (El Duderino) settles for being adored. This has the tendency where the adored partner tends to just do whatever the fuck they like, safe in the knowledge that the adoring partner will always be there waiting for them when they're ready to stop playing silly buggers and start behaving themselves. Which they never do. Why should they? Being bad is wicked cool.

However, it took El Duderino a while to work out that her capacity for mischievous high-jinks and tomfoolery were boundless. Right up until winter reared it's wintery head El Duderino was as good as gold, nary a jink or tomfool to be had. But now it is winter and El Duderino is playing up something chronic. When I drive to work it's just me, El Duderino, a mixtape or seven on general rotation, and the road. And maybe a tractor going at 5 miles an hour (where I live, the ride goes a little something like this: home, suburb, suburb, suburb, FIELD! FIELD! FIELD! tourist 'beauty' spot, field, suburb, suburb, work). El Duderino does NOT enjoy being restricted in her speed, especially when she's just powering up like a little Mario snuffling out mushrooms for sustenance. But I can cope with her little 'exhaust making worrying noises' rebellion. We know each other well enough by now to know it's all bluster and she wouldn't do anything silly like... just stop working. However, her minor 'quirks' and delightful eccentricities have been increasing steadily in number. One evening when I was driving along I suddenly felt a drip on my left shin. My left shin that was safely ensconced under the dashboard resting merrily near the break and the clutch as it should. Now, it was raining at the time and at first I just assumed that my mind was playing tricks on me. See the rain outside: get phantom rain drops on your shin. It's a well know psychological phenomenon. But then it happened again. And then again. I ran over the logistics of such a happening in my mind and it didn't quite add up - the set up of my car means the rain drops would have to pass through the engine panel, the engine itself, and then the dashboard. Unless mice have been drilling for oil on my bonnet it seemed unlikely this would occur.

The outcome is that I still don't know why it does that.

But the rain is what really seems to send El Duderino into an apoplectic toddler tantrum rage. Because every now and then, for no reason, the windscreen wipers stop working. Sometimes for days at a time. I've now established a complex system of nudging and cajoling that seems to get things in shape again. But I live in fear of them stopping in the middle of a thunderstorm. Not that they do any good in the first place. They more just move the rain around instead of wiping it away. They're like lazy teenagers who have been informed they must perform a particular task if they don't want to get their sorry ass grounded, and reluctantly agree to do said task - but in the most lackadaisical, half-cocked way that you suspect they're hoping you'll never ask them to do it again. But that's assuming I can see out of my windscreen in the first place. Because, if you DID assume that - you're wrong. I have so-called 'heaters' in my car but they less heat and more just exist looking like they could heat stuff up. And yet don't. They're like how Britney Spears *looks* like a functional human being but quite obviously is not. The upshot is that the only way to de-fog my windows is to keep the driver window wound down. The rightside of my head doesn't enjoy this one bit. Miserable right side of head.

Despite these, what some may see as, flaws - I still love my car. Unconditionally now and for always. Now I've tasted the sweet joy of owning a beaten up retro classic I'm not sure I could go back to reliability and clear vision whilst driving in rain. It just wouldn't be the same.

Final question of the day: Does anyone else always have to say 'thesaurus' to the tune of 'Ki-ora'?