Me and Fred and John

Last night I had a sex dream about Fred from The B-52s.

I hope this goes without saying but this was fairly unexpected.

I was in Egypt (?), at a vinyl fair (!) and singing ‘Wig’ to myself (… no, that’s a fairly common occurrence actually) whilst I perused the Nancy Sinatra offerings (ditto) and who should be behind me but Fred and Keith of The B-52’s. They did not look like they look here:

Fred (second from left for you heathens that don't instantly know) was way chubbier and more heterosexual. Keith looked like the guy that Sharon Osbourne uses as the singing coach in the post-audition/pre-glitzy stages on X-Factor (he’s the one with the dyed facial hair and an undeniable air of creepiness surrounding him. Got him? The one that could be Billy Connolly if Billy Connolly was American and a bit gay. Yes. That one).

Anyway, they offered me autographs (I was too stunned and excited to speak) which were written on a cocktail napkin (presumably they kept a stash with them for such purposes – i.e. whenever they overheard someone in a dream singing B-52’s songs to themselves) and when they handed them back I noticed they’d each given me their telephone numbers (if I concentrate I can even read Fred’s number: (303) 555-6061, at least I now know how to get hold of Fred in a dream emergency). I wasn’t that bothered about Keith but the fact that Fred was willing to give me his number, hotel room, and indeed his signature, in blue biro on a sleazy airport-lounge bar napkin made me feel like I might burst with joy. I was to be a B-52’s groupie. (I would like to make it clear that although I am a B-52’s fan, I have not now, nor have I ever, been attracted to ANY members of the B-52’s). (Alright, MAYBE Kate). I pretty much jumped him right there and then. He was wearing the same kind of outfit as in the Love Shack video, his shirt in particular was jazzy to the max. This only fuelled my passion further.

Anyway, I get to work this morning and, for a laugh, google the B-52’s to find out that THEY ARE EMMINENTLY RELEASING A NEW ALBUM.

Now I have to wonder if each of the band are going round every B-52’s fan’s dreams and sexing us all up so as to recall and re-ignite our B-52’s fervour. As far as a publicity campaign goes, you can’t really beat invading people’s dreams. The biggest advertising execs in the world would KILL for that kind of exposure. As such I’m giving 17 kudoses to the B-52’s. Well done them.

The other thing that has got me in a tizz recently is this guy:

This youtube video in particular I don’t just find amusing but incredibly soothing. There’s something about a bad wig coupled with a New Jersey accent that gives me an instant ‘Ready Brek’ glow. I can’t explain it. The first three times I watched it I just sat there open mouthed in (what I can only describe as) horror but I guess is more akin to intense intrigue. On the forth spin (I should mention this was over a few weeks, not all in one go, but I kept thinking about him in inopportune moments for whatever reason… getting out of the shower, putting a petrol nozzle in my car, sat outside a pub in Cardiff having a rollie and watching two young men homoerotically grappling to the point of knocking over a flower pot, that kind of thing) I laughed like nothing else. I then investigated ‘mittymoo’s’ other offerings. His ‘Debra’ character is particularly disturbing. If you’ve ever subjected yourself to an episode of ‘The Hills’ you’ll realise quite how note perfect he’s got it. And again, I could watch and listen to him being Debra all freaking day (although the sellotaped nose puts me off a bit). It hits a button in my psyche that I didn’t realise wanted - or indeed needed - hitting. I don’t find ‘The Dance’ quite so addictive but it did have me shaking with hilarity (I think an element of that was due to the fact that I was terrified in a way I’ve never been terrified before). But yeah, I’m intrigued and I can’t stop thinking about him. That means its love right?