How we know Love still exists

It takes a LOT for me to feel like I've hit rock bottom but sitting through the advert breaks on 'A Shot At Love 2 with Tila Tequila' because I didn't want to miss any of the show is possibly the lowest moment I have ever found myself in from a life that offers a vast array of debased delights.

See, I somehow, accidently, found myself watching the first season finale whilst just idly flicking through the 'music' channels (most of which show about as much music in an hour as my mum has CDs: i.e. hardly any) one evening and happened to catch the last episode of the ORIGINAL 'Shot at Love'. Watching a lesbian and a fairly buff (yet surprisingly effete) man rapping about their (so-called) love for Ms Tequila was enough to actually make me pause the channel-hop adventure I'd been on up till that point (and let's face it, it is a crazy wicked adventure to embark upon - reality shows, infomercials, and low-grade soft porn are all just a button click away and jostling to retain your interest if you hit that particular Sky-based adventure at just the right time) and become transfixed with the tragi-comedy that was playing out before my eyes. The concept is not Nobel-prize worthy. Model-slash-professional-bisexual-slash-Myspace-whore Tila looks for 'love' amongst a bunch of lesbians and straight dudes. Only one can ever obtain the keys to her heart and entry into the inner sanctum that only a handful (*cough*) of people have ever been allowed in to: the sacred Kingdom guarded between Tila's tiny bird-like thighs. It's a beautiful thing. It makes me believe in love again. (Or, you know, doesn't).

HOWEVER, intrigued I was to see lesbian battle straightey for the 'prize' of Tila. They both genuinely seemed to be, if not in love, then at least in awe of Tila. Or were sufficiently capable of faking it to make me think that they were. (When it comes to reality TV shows who really cares either way? If it's on TV then it's true. That's the way the world works right?) Anyway, in the end the dude won. Big shock. This may be a touch controversial but I get the impression that Tila's one of those bisexuals that makes out with girls cause she knows guys think it's hot, or it makes her 'kooky' in some way (you ever meet those people that just do slightly outrageous things because they think that's a good enough substitute for actually having a personality? Yeeeah.) I'm not saying that all bisexuals are like this but enough of them are for me not to want to define myself as bisexual even though I'm attracted to guys and girls because most people that DO say they 'swing both ways' or whatever are (and not too over-generalise or nuthin), complete dicks. Anyway, the point is, Love prevailed. Love won through. Love was given a chance to shine.

Up until the point that the next season was commissioned so Tila could get paid to go through it all again.

Obviously I couldn't miss a second of this. How many people get a second 'shot' at finding true love? Not many. Even fewer get to do so on a low-rent MTV show. This is history in the making, I feel it is my duty to observe and judge what must be a further sign of the impending apocalypse.

Firstly, it becomes even more clear this time around just how much of a complete dick Tila actually is. I can't work out if she's utterly deluded, slightly retarded, or an evil genius but don't try and sell me the fact that you were heartbroken about it not working out with thingymabob from the first season. Either rename the show 'A shot at getting to fuck Tila Tequila for a bit' or don't do a second season. These are your choices, you do not get to pretend that you're still in this for love and not for money and exposure. None of you do. That means you Brian and Gary and Billy-Bob and Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel and V and Tiffney and Sparkle and Bitch-face (two of those are actually the names of the contestants. Which ones those are may surprise you). In fact, let's just be done with it and rename the show 'A shot for money-grabbing fame-whores at getting to fuck the money-grabbing fame-whore Tila Tequila (for a bit) in a mutually agreed (but not specifically talked about) bit of money-grabbing and fame-whoring'. Although, that title may be a bit unwieldy when coming to make it fit in the TV guides so I'm guessing that this (AND ONLY THIS) is the reason they didn't go with it.

Secondly, Tila may be a dick but she is positively Mother fuckin Teresa (although, that bitch was a bit of a judgmental cow being Catholic and all who felt that suffering was good because it 'brings people closer to Jesus' and wasn't actually that concerned with 'helping' the poor as much as 'helping the poor get indoctrinated into the Catholicism'. Riiiiight. Nice philosophy. Who needs medical attention when you have eternal salvation? So, ok, maybe not the big MT. Maybe... Fonzy) ... she is positively Fonzy when compared to the contestants. All of whom seem to have been chosen to specifically to illustrate the very worst that humanity has to offer. I don't really want to say this but Tila can do better. Out of all of those people, not ONE is good enough for her (although I did fancy one of the girls but she was kicked off on the last show I watched for reasons that were unclear - maybe not being utter pond scum doesn't turn Tila on, in which case; Tila - you gots to work on your self-esteem honey, this type of behaviour really will not do. Or, and more likely, the girl was approaching nice and normal which is not what reality TV producers want out of their ridiculously preening, arrogant, imbecilic contestants). All of these 'people' (I use the term loosely) split into teams of boys v girls and agreed to downing as many 'shots' (SEE? SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?!?!?!!!!1!!!one!) of various disgusting condiments to 'prove' their 'love' for 'Tila' (oh no wait, Tila is actually her name, no need for sarcasi-quotations on that. Or is she? Her name can't actually be Tila Tequila can it? AND OH MY GOD!!! I JUST REALISED WHY IT'S CALLED 'SHOT' AT LOVE! TEQUILA! SHOT! (!!!. !!!!!!!. !!!!!!!!!!!!) Fuck me, I'm dumb) anyway, the 'winning' (I'll stop with the quotes now. Just assume everything from now on is said with a raised eyebrow) team then got to battle it out between each other to see who could eat a pig's vagina the fastest with the prize of spending time with Tila alone.

Let me just say that again:

The WINNING team then got to see who could EAT A PIG'S VAGINA THE FASTEST.

A PIG'S VAGINA. EAT. EAT A PIG'S VAGINA.

I don't care who you are. Robert Downey Jr, Dylan Moran, Karen O, I am NOT eating a pig's vagina to prove my love. That is not how love is proven. I will rub your feet if you're tired. I will listen to you bitch about your day. I will paint you a picture, make you a mixtape, write you a story, anything but eat a pig's vagina to show you how I feel. If you are insisting I eat a pig's vagina to spend alone-time with you then I chose to not spend ANY time with you. You are insane and must be stopped immediately.

To add insult to injury, Tila was not impressed with how many of the girls couldn't handle the challenge OF EATING A PIG'S VAGINA.

'It just seems like, if they really cared, they totally would have like, tried harder' TO EAT A PIG'S VAGINA! TILA! What kind of sadistic bitch are you? It's a PIG'S VAGINA! CUT THEM SOME SLACK. But that's not how Tila rolls, Tila, who obviously grew up starved of affection and attention and thus has some kind of weird Freudian shit where EATING PIG VAGINAS = LOVE, does not believe in slack.

I cannot WAIT to see what other, frankly disturbing on heretofore unrecognised levels of insanity, tasks Tila sets to find her one true love (the err... second one true love in as many years might I add). This shit is golden. And is also sucking my soul out right before my eyes. But do you know what? I say suck away Tila, suck the fuck away.