'Get out of the way kid! I'm trying to watch Ugly Betty here, sheesh!'
I haven't been this in love since I saw a Yorkshire terrier called Nicolas wearing a sailor hat on a little train in Marseille (this plus this plus this can only add up to BEST AFTERNOON EVER). (I am not kidding).
So, it was my birthday last week and in a move befitting someone much more mentally stable and better equipped to deal with everyday life than I, it didn't freak me out.
My mum wouldn't buy me the stripper lamp though.
Mum
Why would you want it?
Me
Because it's awesome. It's a S-T-R-I-P-P-E-R lamp. I don't get what you don't get.
Mum
I could understand if it was of a man
Me
*wide eyed horror at realisation of what mother thinks of me*
...Ma, I'm not looking to purchase this for titilation. If I want to look at naked women for that purpose then I can go on the internet. I want it because it's the most awful thing my eyes have ever seen and I want, nay MUST possess it.
Mum
*shakes head and walks away leaving no doubt as to the amount of contempt she holds for her daughter*
Why would you want it?
Me
Because it's awesome. It's a S-T-R-I-P-P-E-R lamp. I don't get what you don't get.
Mum
I could understand if it was of a man
Me
*wide eyed horror at realisation of what mother thinks of me*
...Ma, I'm not looking to purchase this for titilation. If I want to look at naked women for that purpose then I can go on the internet. I want it because it's the most awful thing my eyes have ever seen and I want, nay MUST possess it.
Mum
*shakes head and walks away leaving no doubt as to the amount of contempt she holds for her daughter*
So I didn't get it. I have no money so unless I was willing to sit in a similar pose in similar attire (although, admittedly, I did offer but the 40-year-old women who work there didn't seem keen on the idea) there's no way I could afford it, then Gay said he'd buy it for me but when he FINALLY got round to going;
The shop.
Had closed.
Down.
(I know what you're thinking: a shop that sells stripper lamps is no longer trading?! It's like up is down and down is up, NOTHING makes sense anymore. Words fail me too my friends.) The one thing on earth that I'd been yearning and dreaming for - I didn't get (which kind of reminds me of the time I saw Che Guevara lip balm for sale - yes. Che Guevara branded LIP BALM. The levels of awfulness involved in that equation LITERALLY BLOW MY MIND - and I was repulsed and attracted in the exact same ways as I felt for stripper lamp ['it's awful! And yet hilarious! And yet it goes against all my political belief systems! AND YET it is hilarious...'] and I let that too fall through my fingers. Sad, sad times).
What I did get was:
- Information that a cat called Linda exists somewhere in the world (animals with human names has been a long held obsession of mine)
- A gay dressed as a Buggle (SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!)
(Gay is to the left). (I think).
-A chance to inadvertently flash my right boob (alas, there is no pictorial evidence of this. There IS, however, a video of me doing lunges to the Baywatch theme that was filmed just prior to that event. Let's hope I'm not asked to be Vice-President one day cos shit like that is EMBARASSING)
- A Vengaboys album ("the" Vengaboys album? I'm not up enough on their back catalogue to know whether I need employ the definite or indefinite article there)
- A Bruce Forsyth fridge magnet
- A mixtape of all the songs that have been number one on my birthday (and I finally discovered that this was top of the charts on October 2nd 1982. A more fitting, or indeed profound, artistic endeavour to soundtrack my first day alive I could not dream of)
- A puppies calender (also, 65% on my cards had pictures of cute puppies or kittens on the front. My adoring public knows me so well)
I got dressed up as a goth-fairy-by-way-of-Cyndi-Lauper (for reasons unclear even now but just go with it) and assembled pineapple and cheese on sticks (which everyone loved) (as well they should) and punch for my ragamuffin bunch of pals before pushing them out onto the monsoon-y streets of Southampton and making them dance like their lives depended on it.
They were asked to bring their 'A' game and they delivered (the theme was 'being awesome' so it was required).
26 years down, a few more to go (I hope).
Bring.
It.
On.
The shop.
Had closed.
Down.
(I know what you're thinking: a shop that sells stripper lamps is no longer trading?! It's like up is down and down is up, NOTHING makes sense anymore. Words fail me too my friends.) The one thing on earth that I'd been yearning and dreaming for - I didn't get (which kind of reminds me of the time I saw Che Guevara lip balm for sale - yes. Che Guevara branded LIP BALM. The levels of awfulness involved in that equation LITERALLY BLOW MY MIND - and I was repulsed and attracted in the exact same ways as I felt for stripper lamp ['it's awful! And yet hilarious! And yet it goes against all my political belief systems! AND YET it is hilarious...'] and I let that too fall through my fingers. Sad, sad times).
What I did get was:
- Information that a cat called Linda exists somewhere in the world (animals with human names has been a long held obsession of mine)
- A gay dressed as a Buggle (SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!)
(Gay is to the left). (I think).
-A chance to inadvertently flash my right boob (alas, there is no pictorial evidence of this. There IS, however, a video of me doing lunges to the Baywatch theme that was filmed just prior to that event. Let's hope I'm not asked to be Vice-President one day cos shit like that is EMBARASSING)
- A Vengaboys album ("the" Vengaboys album? I'm not up enough on their back catalogue to know whether I need employ the definite or indefinite article there)
- A Bruce Forsyth fridge magnet
- A mixtape of all the songs that have been number one on my birthday (and I finally discovered that this was top of the charts on October 2nd 1982. A more fitting, or indeed profound, artistic endeavour to soundtrack my first day alive I could not dream of)
- A puppies calender (also, 65% on my cards had pictures of cute puppies or kittens on the front. My adoring public knows me so well)
I got dressed up as a goth-fairy-by-way-of-Cyndi-Lauper (for reasons unclear even now but just go with it) and assembled pineapple and cheese on sticks (which everyone loved) (as well they should) and punch for my ragamuffin bunch of pals before pushing them out onto the monsoon-y streets of Southampton and making them dance like their lives depended on it.
They were asked to bring their 'A' game and they delivered (the theme was 'being awesome' so it was required).
26 years down, a few more to go (I hope).
Bring.
It.
On.
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