It's a new day, a new dawn, a new life for me and I'm feeling good.
Well, it's a new year at any rate.
What has happened in a year. Well, let us compare the ushering in of 2008 in comparison to the welcoming I did for 2009.
A year ago, as the clock struck 12, I was watching a Rolling Stones tribute act. They were a definite a-ok tribute act but has anyone ever really lost it when it comes to tribute acts? A group of guys (invariably they are of the male persuaasion) who sound a bit like but rarely look like a band that sells millions and appeals to many in a venue that holds 300 or so people? It's ok but not inspiring or glorious in any way is it? Well, that's where I was. A Small Faces tribute act (The Small Fakers for those interested), consisting of young men technically young enough to be my offspring I'm sure, had already entertained us all and now a man nearing his 50's was singing Auld Lang Syne into a microphone whilst everyone else in the room sort of pretended to know the words but ended up just making singing type noises. We hugged, we jumped up and down, we smiled.
Inside I was dying.
Not because of being there (though I didn't really want to be there), not because of who I was with (who I adored, and still adore, with all my heart), but just because that was where I happened to be. Alone; believing
I would always be alone. Not sure what I wanted to do with my life; but knowing that living with my parents was the last thing I had wanted and had ended up doing. Stuck in a job I hated so desperately that I loathed waking up in the morning because it meant another day of boredom. I didn't acknowledge any of these things. Were you stood in the queue with me, awaiting a turn outside to have a cigarette, I'm sure I would have come across to you as congenial, fairly content, doing ok. In fact I think I had convinced myself that all these things were true.
They were not.
Over the next year many things happened. I had my heart broken by someone who never deserved my heart in the first place, I witnessed my best friend admit to himself who he was and come out, I went to Geneva and Paris by myself and then, a few months later, traveled further around Europe with my brother, I was offered a job I actually WANTED (for like, the first time since I'd got a job in a record shop when I was 19*), I got chatted up by a number of homosexuals, I cried, I laughed, I blah-di-fucking-blahed like everyone else in the world.
But fast forward to this new years eve... The plan had been drunk in pub with mates. I ended up reneging on that. I cooked a meal for the man I'm now in love with and stayed in and drank wine and champagne and did all that romantic gooey stuff that I'm too shy to write about here.
This is not a state of affairs I had foreseen approaching even two months ago.
My life is very very slowly coming together. I've found the person I've been looking for. That one where you don't have to compromise who you are and can be yourself, even talk about other people you might fancy, cry in front of, talk about how shit the world is, laugh about dumb stuff with, watch brilliant and rubbish movies with and enjoy them equally. The one you don't need to pretend to be anything other that who you are with. The one who you think - together - you have the potential to make and be something amazing with. That one.
Not that it's been easy, it's been really fucking hard. For various reasons. Most of them situational but also things like, he hates when I use the phrase "just sayin'" ('WHAT ARE YOU 'jus' sayin'' exactly? YOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING!') or use double negative ('If you 'ain't done nothing' then it means you've done something. For the smartest bird I've ever met your grammar is appalling'.) I hate when he uses the phrase 'you can argue with me... but you're wrong' (side note: FUCK YOU BITCH). He argues for the sake of arguing (THATS MY SCHTICK) and etc etc blah blah blah. I'm totally in love. It's weird.
Happy 2009 y'all!
* Not that I've got a start date yet for perfectous job. By the way, while we are here, let me tell you that signing on is AWESOME. Choice quote heard whilst at the job centre:
'Well, I used to be addicted to heroin but now I'm addicted to sherry'
Sherry? Seriously? Sherry?! That's what my great-grandma and Fraiser Crane drink. You sir, are neither one of those characters. However, it feels impingent that we inform Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse immediately... Sherry is where the party is at. I repeat, SHERRY IS WHERE THE PARTY IS AT. Over and out.
Well, it's a new year at any rate.
What has happened in a year. Well, let us compare the ushering in of 2008 in comparison to the welcoming I did for 2009.
A year ago, as the clock struck 12, I was watching a Rolling Stones tribute act. They were a definite a-ok tribute act but has anyone ever really lost it when it comes to tribute acts? A group of guys (invariably they are of the male persuaasion) who sound a bit like but rarely look like a band that sells millions and appeals to many in a venue that holds 300 or so people? It's ok but not inspiring or glorious in any way is it? Well, that's where I was. A Small Faces tribute act (The Small Fakers for those interested), consisting of young men technically young enough to be my offspring I'm sure, had already entertained us all and now a man nearing his 50's was singing Auld Lang Syne into a microphone whilst everyone else in the room sort of pretended to know the words but ended up just making singing type noises. We hugged, we jumped up and down, we smiled.
Inside I was dying.
Not because of being there (though I didn't really want to be there), not because of who I was with (who I adored, and still adore, with all my heart), but just because that was where I happened to be. Alone; believing
I would always be alone. Not sure what I wanted to do with my life; but knowing that living with my parents was the last thing I had wanted and had ended up doing. Stuck in a job I hated so desperately that I loathed waking up in the morning because it meant another day of boredom. I didn't acknowledge any of these things. Were you stood in the queue with me, awaiting a turn outside to have a cigarette, I'm sure I would have come across to you as congenial, fairly content, doing ok. In fact I think I had convinced myself that all these things were true.
They were not.
Over the next year many things happened. I had my heart broken by someone who never deserved my heart in the first place, I witnessed my best friend admit to himself who he was and come out, I went to Geneva and Paris by myself and then, a few months later, traveled further around Europe with my brother, I was offered a job I actually WANTED (for like, the first time since I'd got a job in a record shop when I was 19*), I got chatted up by a number of homosexuals, I cried, I laughed, I blah-di-fucking-blahed like everyone else in the world.
But fast forward to this new years eve... The plan had been drunk in pub with mates. I ended up reneging on that. I cooked a meal for the man I'm now in love with and stayed in and drank wine and champagne and did all that romantic gooey stuff that I'm too shy to write about here.
This is not a state of affairs I had foreseen approaching even two months ago.
My life is very very slowly coming together. I've found the person I've been looking for. That one where you don't have to compromise who you are and can be yourself, even talk about other people you might fancy, cry in front of, talk about how shit the world is, laugh about dumb stuff with, watch brilliant and rubbish movies with and enjoy them equally. The one you don't need to pretend to be anything other that who you are with. The one who you think - together - you have the potential to make and be something amazing with. That one.
Not that it's been easy, it's been really fucking hard. For various reasons. Most of them situational but also things like, he hates when I use the phrase "just sayin'" ('WHAT ARE YOU 'jus' sayin'' exactly? YOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING!') or use double negative ('If you 'ain't done nothing' then it means you've done something. For the smartest bird I've ever met your grammar is appalling'.) I hate when he uses the phrase 'you can argue with me...
Happy 2009 y'all!
* Not that I've got a start date yet for perfectous job. By the way, while we are here, let me tell you that signing on is AWESOME. Choice quote heard whilst at the job centre:
'Well, I used to be addicted to heroin but now I'm addicted to sherry'
Sherry? Seriously? Sherry?! That's what my great-grandma and Fraiser Crane drink. You sir, are neither one of those characters. However, it feels impingent that we inform Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse immediately... Sherry is where the party is at. I repeat, SHERRY IS WHERE THE PARTY IS AT. Over and out.
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