Today's Lesson

You ever been about 5 minutes into a conversation with someone and realised you are not who they think you are but it's passed the point where you can comfortably point that out?

Because I live in a sitcom this is a semi-regular thing for me.

Last week I was doing an 'event' in the office canteen of a well-known multinational corporation. An 'event' for those not cool enough to know is where I stand at a table with lots of leaflets on it and look vaguely friendly when people nervously approach said table. Welcome to the glamorous world of outreach work.

I was earlier than expected and toyed with the idea of hanging around outside but figured I could just wait for my colleague (who had organised the whole thing) on the sofa's inside the foyer.

This was my first mistake.

As I walked up to the reception to check I could just sit quietly and mind my own business, not disturbing anyone, and await my colleague, the King of Nerds came out. I have, for my sins, worked for this particular multinational corporation before. The office I was located in contained, pretty much exclusively, the archetypal Nathan Barley-slash-David Brent character. In other words, they all have spiky hair and are dicks. This office was ancient hippy-slash-nerd central. Jumpers, beards, and sandals. I saw a man smoking a pipe on my way from the car park just to give you an idea of what we are dealing with here (this is 100% true. I even did a double take). I mention this only to draw attention to the fact at how curious it is that animals stay in their packs even when they belong to the same species.

As I didn't know any contact names and had merely walked up to the receptionist as a courtesy to, as I have already said, ask if I may, please, just sit over here and not bother anyone at all, she decided that the King of Nerds who had walked out of the office inner sanctum as I walked in was somehow connected to me.

'This is Sarah' she said 'she can't remember who she's been in contact with but I assume you must know about it' and then returned to playing computer solitaire (probably).

Hi Sarah. I'll just go get everyone else' he said

'This seems a bit extreme for something that had been billed to me as just standing in a canteen and handing out leaflets but ok' I thought.

The rest of the Nerd Herd came out to greet me and then started chatting 'bout shit that made no sense to me. You would have thought that might be my first clue but there's a lot of shit I have no idea about so I generally just try and smile and nod and say 'definatley' or 'oh yep, sure' in the right places whilst my brain wanders off and starts thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch.

'Sure... yes... oh right... mmm, definitely'

I'll be saying to your face

'I wonder if I can stop in at Greggs and get a veggie pasty on the way home. But then where would I park because it's right in the centre and I'll have to pay... Oh but I could park up at the top end of town and walk in, that'll only be 10 minutes in total. Assuming I get served in a timely fashion of course so maybe I should just get a sarnie from the garage? But they're always ming, hmm... Pasty it is. I'll risk it'

So goes my brain.

More often than not if I'm just blindly agreeing with you then I have no fucking idea what you just said. Don't let any of my enemies know about this, it could be used against me. Like when a gay called me Janine Butcher last week and I missed it and just nodded and now I'm being called Janine forever more.

It was around the time when the Mayor of Winchester turned up and I was introduced to him that I realised a mistake of some sort had been made. I am leaflet girl in the canteen that day. I'm not girl getting introduced to Mayor and Mayoress. If you had been watching closely you would have seen a look of dawning realisation followed closely by blind panic cross my face before I returned to polite indifference. I started staring out the window and willing my colleague to materalise in front of me there and then.

'You don't have to sit with me' I said 'I can just wait for Heather here if you have other things to do?'

Please leave please leave please leave. I don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this one with minimal embarrassment.

'No, no, it's nice to have a sit down actually'

Fuck you, goddamn middle-class politeness why do you continue to mock me?

This is when she FINALLY turned up. I've never been so happy to see someone I've only met once before. I practically jumped up and ran out the front door whilst shouting 'here she is!!!!'. I explained to her that I thought some horrible mess had been made and she laughed, walked through the reception doors and sorted shit out in less than 30 seconds. I was right in thinking I had nothing to do with whatever nerd project the Nerd Herd were running. So basically the whole mess was sorted and everyone was left thinking I'm a complete goon.

Again.

In conclusion, today's lesson boys and girls, is don't ever leave the house ever and certainly don't engage in conversation with anyone at all. Ever. Got that? Good.