Jesus days: The scores are in

It's everyones second favourite Jesus day. I celebrated the resurrection of the son of God by eating some food (not chocolate cos I ain't that bothered innit. I may have made up for this by consuming approximately a gallon of cheesy leeks (*second parenthesis within a parenthesis already alert* if you want to get me something for Easter, or just generally, anything cheese based is a good bet. I am a chubby girl for a reason and that reason is cheese)) and going to see 'The Boat That Rocked' (starring my boyfriend 'Irish Cardigan Man' which is actually his real name. I know this because he is my boyfriend so I get to hear the details of his life that you, the person who is not his significant other, wouldn't get to know).

Anyway, what I'm saying is that I'm pretty confident that it's what Jesus would have wanted. I'm just guessing on this score however, Jesus is not my boyfriend (Irish cardigan man is).

Being an atheist on religious holidays used to make me feel a little guilty but I've now figured out a way to justify joining in the festivities (I find that sufficiently arguing your way out of a situation is almost as good as being morally superior in the first place. I think this is (one of the reasons) why not many people like me) which are, respectively:

1. These holidays are just leftovers from our pagan traditions so firstly, chill the fuck out. The pagans were here first, you don't own this like you think you own this k? Nowadays Christmas, in particular, is a good excuse to bring your close friends and family together for a few hours and celebrate how much you love and respect one another by chowing down on turkey and giving gifts that you'd... well, rather not have really. Because, you know, you see me a lot, when have I ever worn anything that would make you think I want a maroon top with flowers embroidered on it from BHS? Is that how you see me? Is this the sort of item that you picture me wearing in the image you carry around of me in your head? Fine. No, I am grateful. Alright, no, I'm sorry, it's lovely. Oh for fucks sake, I said I'm sorry why do you have to be such a drama queen all the fucking time? All this and the opportunity to implicitly condone the racist, homophobic remarks your racist, homophobic great-grandmother feels compelled to say (that, and a surprising amount of vitriol directed towards Holly Willoughby of all people), that makes a weird noise come out of your mouth that neither agrees nor outright disagrees with what the speaker has said. Sort of a 'hmmmnnm' noise the middle classes have naturally evolved to cover their liberal guilt and their politeness simultaneously. God (ha!), I love Christmas.

I see Easter as a good time to have as your actual New Year; spring engenders change much more delightfully than January the first which is in the unfortunate position of having the rest of January immediately following it. It's a bit shit basically. But if you look at that time to April as kind of a 'warm up' for the rest of the year then you don't have to be too hard on yourself when the detox thing lasts right up till lunchtime January 1st and you decide that in the battle of wheatgrass versus bacon sarnie, bacon sarnie is kicking a LOT of wheatgrass's ass. When you fail again in April it doesn't seem quite so tragic cos, it's like April. Who gives a shit? And who are you anyway, the queen of willpower? No-one wants that shitty job (except maybe those people with rock hard abs and a healthy glow about them - and no-one wants to be that guy/girl). And thus continues the cycle of you never really committing to anything or trying to better yourself in any measurable way and continuing your mediocre existence from now until the day you die. Which is exactly how life is meant to be lead, obviously.

The only issue I have with Easter in general is that it can't make up it's fucking mind when it wants to be. Just, like, pick a date and stick to it yeah? Why so fucking vague Easter? You're not one of my boyfriends are you? (Irish cardigan man excluded). Oh, I get it, Easter is the first Sunday after the Paschal Full Moon, which is the first moon whose 14th day (the ecclesiastic "full moon") is on or after March 21 (the ecclesiastic "vernal equinox").

Right, yeah, that clears it right up you guys. Don't sweat it. Wikipedia has your back.

Sorry; tangent.

The more salient and honest argument for me joining in Christian festivities is, of course;

2. My mum makes me.

Actually, all my mum makes me do, whether it be Christmas or Easter, is sit round a table with my blood-and-by-marriage relatives and eat a roast dinner. Apparently Childline don't consider this terms of abuse and also don't think I should be ringing them up when I'm nearly 27 and don't I have better things to be doing with my time? To which I reply, 'no' and 'what do Childline know anyway?'

Which I think is a question we should all be asking ourselves on this, the holiest of holy days (by Jesus's standards anyway. But then what does Jesus know?)

[This 'what does x know?' loop may continue for a while, you may want to find other activities to occupy you and check back in later]

Some while later...

To which I reply, 'what does Chevy Chase know anyway?' A lot I guess. You've seen National Lampoon's European Vacation, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

[Chevy Chase ends all conversational AND time loops*. This is science and now it is all over your face and in your eyes. You are welcome]

*Quick. Someone tell the guys on the Island.