Wrong

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY.

I am ill.



See? See how ill I am? (My sideburns are also coming in nicely. That's good to know). See how sad my face is? My face is sad because I am ill. Does anyone care? NO! BUT I AM ILL! I scream over and over into their faces and then complain of a sore throat. No sympathy comes my way. Do not weep for me, I am already dead (ish). I guess the main issue is that I don't like being ill. When I was at school all I ever wished for was illness so I could stay at home watching This Morning and educational films on Channel 4 (yes really) and could avoid just one more day of living torture. But that was when my mum had to break the news to the frightening school admin staff that I would not be appearing that day at the Guantanamo Bay prototype. Now I have to do it. No chance. I feel like I'm lying and I'm not very good at lying. It makes me feel guilty and I spend enough time beating myself up for something dumb I said eight years ago to a person who's name I can't even remember anymore (and similar). So I soldier on. Managing to continue my cushty middle class existence even though I have a bit of a chill. I am basically Dr Martin Luther King Jr for our days. Basically.

It did mean I finally got the chance to watch 100 Greatest Stand Ups that was on over the weekend and I'd recorded but had to watch the High School Musical trilogy instead (totes worth it).

Anyway, here's what I know:

62 - George Carlin
37 - Jim Davidson

Any list where Jim Davidson is quantitatively 25 better than George Carlin is wrong.

It.
Is.
Wrong.

Whichever way you spin the maths the maths does not add up. I've tried. I've rejigged the formula, I've carried the 1 and yet still, one fact remains: Jim Davidson is not 25 better than George Carlin. This is what I know.

I also know I am ill. Did I mention that? Any sympathy? No? FINE THEN.