Sir Grumpalot

Although I am, by nature, a depressive little soul (I live too much in my head, I over analyse, I focus on the negatives in a seeming fit of trying to locate where the positives might be and yet it leading to me only ever really focusing on the negatives) I don't think too many of my nearest and dearest would say I was someone who was a particularly grumpy. A bit maybe, on and off, more up-and-down moody than inherently grumpy they would probably say. I imagine. However, the last two weeks I've spent an inordinate amount of time just being cross - about everything; people, things, work, life. It's all just annoying me. Working on a Saturday annoys me, my mum asking me how I am annoys me (her not asking me how I am annoys me even more), my friend asking me to help her put up pictures annoys me. I hate being like this. Being in a bad mood puts me in a bad mood.

What's worse is that, although I am not a stranger to grump, because my moods do change quite rapidly and, to the untrained outsider eye, for no reason at all (there is always a reason but you'd need to plug into my logic to understand it which is not something I would ask anyone to ever do because it's exhausting at the best of times) I'm just not used to being consistantly cross. I can normally rely on the fact that by the time beddybyes has come and gone, thanks to my hormonal imbalances, I will awake refreshed and unfettered by worries or concerns or anger that had built up the day before. All the negativity will have been washed away by the dreamiverse (a dreamiverse currently plagued by kidnapping, snakes, rape, Jeremy Irons and an overwhelming sense of powerlessness) and I can start again. Not recently. This wouldn't be a problem if my mood had been plugged into 'happy' or 'proactive' or 'optimistic' settings but it's stuck on 'cross'. This makes me really cross.

In the last week I spent time with a little boy with a chromosonal disorder that can't hold himself up and was one of the smiliest, giggly babies I've ever had to pleasure to meet, a mum of two who is the same age as my brother and registered disabled because of some car accident she was unlucky enough to go through, Michael Jackson died, Farrah Fawcett died, people in Iran were shot in the heart for having a dissenting opinion of the government. None of that really affected me the way it was supposed to. It's all just background noise. The only thing that's really got my goat this week is having to work late on a Monday evening, in a job that I genuinely love (when there are plenty of people without work who would happily earn the pretty pennies I find myself with at whatever time of day or night given half a chance). Grumpy bitch that I am.

I remember listening to one of the ex's albums and him explaining a song being about how this character has decided he's better off taking himself off to the top of a big hill and living the rest of his days out in solitude. Not because he's better off without everyone else but because they are better off without him. At the time (and even now) that idea really pisses me off because that just seems like the easiest fucking option and yet, conversely, I keep thinking that maybe people would be better off without me. For a while at least. I was even wishing that my best friend was on holiday for another week because I didn't want him to come back and me still be a bitch (we're on shaky ground as it is, which is mostly my fault). I'm no good to anyone at the moment, least of all myself, so basically I just need someone to punch me in the face for a while till I cheer the fuck up. That'll work. If you know anyone willing to do the honours then send them my way.