Virtual Insanity

Today I kind of went insane. Like, more than usual. Well, actually last night I actually went insane and nearly text my gay to tell him off about a comment he'd made earlier in the night but I didn't adequately respond to at the time but stopped when I realised it might be the cider talking and not 'me' but man, was I maaaaaad! What was scary is that I thought I was stone(ish) cold(ish) sober(ish) until I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and having a conversation to thin air after I'd got in my jimmy-jammies and climbed into bed: having conversations with someone not in the room is always a super good way of knowing that your mental well-being is in tip top shape. Anyway, suffice it to say, I didn't text him and start a text battle over a comment he probs wouldn't even remember making so I think that's a good thing. Sort of.

BUT. Yes. Insane. Me. Today. Marks and Spencers and I have this ongoing love/hate thing in that I love their carrot chutney and wensleydale sandwiches and pretty much hate everything else (that is so not true - for a start their underwear for the bigger chested lady is THE BOMB but it makes a funnier joke the way I originally put it so I'm keeping it in). But on my back from their delicious sandwich section and past the Per Una bit (which, in this store, is like one rack which says 'Limited Edition - Buy While Stocks Last' - basically a Sazz beacon: 'What? What was that? I might miss out on something?!?!?!?!? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!1!') and spied the sleeve of what looked like a coat that had distinct potential to look totally cute on me. I plunged into the racks and tried it on and it fit - just. But oh my god, it was LUSH. Dark green tweedy material with brown buttons arranged in a double breasted military style and to the knees and just TO DIE FOR. HOWEVER! It was a size too small and had a too big price tag. I reluctantly returned it to its snug little rack and carried on to the coffee shop outside where I met my mama and papa mikey.

'I've found the one coat in the world that's going to make me happy' said I as a conversation opener. They lolled quite hard because I'm a bit coat mad in that I am on a permanent quest to find coats that makes my entire life complete (I have replaced men with coats). I was sure this, this, was the one. The one that would finally end the quest. They thought that was bullshit as I've said it before about other coats so would I just learn to accept my coat collection as it is and stop talking about coats already jeez! (I, on the other hand, do not think 3 new coats in six months is overly excessive and rarely does one coat synchronise with ever outfit in one's wardrobe especially when you're like me and wear a lot of wacky shit). To shut me up Papa Mikey said he would buy it for me for Christmas because he is awesome and knows how to shut me up. This would mean driving to the store 30 minutes away because it was hella bigger and bound to have a luxurious selection of sizes and sizes of the dream coat hanging from well spaced hangers with acres of room around me to twirl and twirl in as the coat and I began our tentative first steps to a long and happy union. So that's exactly what we did. BUT! When we got there they only had the coat of my dreams in a size up from the one I wanted! Twist! So we left, I feeling dejected and lost because I was in love with the coat of my dreams and the only thing in the entire universe that would make me happy would be the coat of my dreams. I did the only thing a girl of my stature and time could do - I went home and looked online. ANd do you know what? They only had it in fucking Purple!! Purple! Pah! Gross! I spit on you purple you fucking whore! Where is my beautiful green, purple?! YOU KILLED HIM DIDN'T YOU???! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

So, naturally, I drove the 30 minutes back to the store and bought the green coat in a size bigger than what I wanted. That is what I did today. Drove around Hampshire looking for a green coat that fits and then settling for one that basically fits but not as well as it could do. Yes.