New Loon

I always thought it was Robert Patterson. Patterson is a nice sounding name. If you whisper it fast lots of times, you sound like a train (that is how I gage how nice a word is: does it sound like a train if you say it quietly lots of times? Yes? Good word. c.f. 'serendipity', 'chubby', 'syllable'. Does it make you throw up in your mouth when you see, hear, or say it? Not a good word. c.f. 'clunge', 'moist', 'ointment'*).

Imagine my shock and dismay when I discover it's Robert PattINson! That is not a name that trips easily off the tongue. I have to concentrate and over enunciate every syllable. It bothers me. 'Patt-in-son'. It requires effort and thought. Considerably much more effort and thought and pre-planning than Patterson which is as easy as a two-bit whore.

In summary, Twilight ruins everything. I'm not sure how this is your fault exactly Twilight but I know I blame you anyway. I will also not be asking Robert Pattinson to be my husband - it would never work if I had to think about saying his name that much: 'How are you my husband Mr Robert Patt-in-son?' / 'Mr Robert Patt-in-son, would you mind doing the dishes tonight seeing as I fucking cooked AGAIN?' / 'I'm going out. No I don't know where. Look, this just isn't working Mr Robert Patt-in-son. I hate saying your name - it's too stressful! I want a divorce! Also, you still haven't done those fucking dishes and your hair looks too intricately tousled for someone so obviously trying to affect an air of slacker nonchalance. I don't know why I married you in the first place Mr Robert Patt-in-son!'

See?

Breathe easy Kristen 'you look totally lesbian-y, you sure you're straight?' Stewart - your man is safe!

*Oh god now I've written it those words are going to be in my head for the rest of the day. That means my mouth will also be filled with sick for the rest of day!