Twister

I've sort of decided I need to chill the fuck out a bit. Which may sound utterly incomprehensible to your ears because of how, you know, all those people come up to me all the time just to comment 'Gurl, you is so chill!' (no they don't): so you're all 'Sazz? Chill out? Wha!?' (No, you're not). But, you know, even the chillingest of us need to take extra time to chill occasionally (no. You don't).

It's just, I've put all this pressure on myself to be happy and good and do stuff. Like make badges of dogs out of beads and wire (October craft project: check) without really considering about whether or not I enjoyed doing it at the time (in fact, the whole time I was thinking 'I must get this completed just so I can check off October craft project'). Just completing a task to tick the box rather than living for the moment and doing something I want to do because I want to do it. As a result I have not been feeling very present in the present. I'm living for the future version of my self that doesn't yet exist (and probs never will) rather than worrying about whether the me right now is having a good time.

It's such a difficult balance to strike though because eventually you MIGHT end up doing nothing as there is the distinct possibility that the natural impulse to create (whatever it might be: opera, novel, dog badge) never strikes so you end up stagnant and sitting and watching RuPauls Drag Race just to fill the slow hours before reaching your inevitable death. BUT! PARADOX! I've ended up doing that anyway because I've put so much pressure on myself to fill my time and be productive that it's caused me to flap my arms really really fast - rather than do whatever I was meant to do according to the list system - and fall into a deep dark hole of depression whenever I get to Wednesday (or whatever) and am still a week or so behind on everything I wanted to have got done. I thought by forcing myself to do all this weird shit I was giving myself what I needed but I think, on reflection, all I've done is set myself up to fail. I'm loathe to completely disband the list system though as it gives me a sense of structure and purpose that I find lacking within my being in the normal order of things. It's a quandary for sure: How do I keep one eye on the future, one eye on the past, and keep my feet in the present? It's like my soul is playing metaphorical Twister and is just as bad at it as my body is at the physical Twister.

Anyway, here's the dog badge that's caused this week's existential crisis. Look at him sparkle, look at him shine.

He does, at least, have a nice smile.