Dating tips

I absolutely adore ('not adore') the MSN 'dating' section. It pops up on the 'Today' screen whenever I log in to MSN (which is often. LOL @ people who think I no longer login to MSN - I'm totes there, lurking*, I just set myself to 'offline' because I'm no better at polite conversation online than I am in 'real' life. God I used to be SUCH an MSN whore I sometimes think my soul was removed at some point in the last four years and replaced by someone completely different who had all my memories implanted and THINKS they're still 'me' but actually they're someone completely different**) and it has loads ('not loads') of useful tips on how to stop being single, find a boyfriend, stop being so fat, find a boyfriend, etc (as we all know your worth as a woman is measured entirely in how many men you can make want to sleep with you). Today's hints and tips can be found here and are, as ever, completely revelatory and mind-blowing. In that they will blow your mind because of how, after reading these tips, you will want to take a gun to your head and pull the trigger.

In case you have not are unable to understand the concept of 'hyperlinking' (maybe you were raised in a cave by wolves, or are from Gosport - basically the same thing - or maybe you are from the future and have uncovered this corner of the webosphere in what counts as archaeology these future days) I will recreate the headlines for you:

1. 45-minute showers (as in 'don't')
2. Spoilt pets (as in 'don't')
3. "Casual Sunday" (as in 'don't')
4. All TV, all the time (as in 'don't')
5. Biscuits in bed (as in 'don't')
6. Aimless whistling (as in 'don't')
7. Lack of matching crockery (as in 'don't')

Let me just take a second to remind you that this list is 100% fo' realz. Not a parody of stupid obvious vapid lists that the media are satuarated with, it's sincerely a stupid obvious vapid list that the media is satuarated with. I can boil this down further into 'don't be such a fucking annoying slob lard-o'. Which is good advice I guess (because of course no-one who is a fucking annoying slobby ol' lard-o is in a relationship. Onslow from Keeping Up Appearences and Skins being the sole exception) but the idea that you might not be able to make an honest, deep, beautiful connection with someone due to your lack of knowledge about the kitchen section at Ikea is depressing (I say this as a person who regularly enjoys opening my kitchen cupboard just to stare wistfully at my matching big plates, little plates and bowls all lined up at right angles and nestling up to one another like identical new-born kittens (or something) and sighing contentedly). Or that wearing your jim-jams till after the Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday (at which point there's little point in getting dressed 'properly' because who are you the fucking Queen? Who gives a shit??) might preclude you from forming a reciprocal, meaningful, life-long bond with another human being. These lists are so reductive and pointless. If I stop eating in bed will I get a boyfriend? Who cares! Let them eat cake! In bed! if they so wish. Here's a better list:

1. Go to therapy
2. Be kind
3. Be mindful and open to the world around you
4. Be passionate about the things you find interesting
5. Think for yourself
6. Learn how to be the most 'you' version of you that's possible, completely and without apology (see point 1)
7. Ignore stupid obvious vapid lists

If you do all that then whether or not you find a romantic partner won't actually matter but may in fact be a pleasant consequence of such action. God, when will I be made president of the world? I sure hope it is soon!

*Just like in real life in fact!
** Memo to self: Maybe mention this to therapist***
*** Or maybe don't. Pretty sure she'll think I'm crazy.