Existential crises are a right bitch

An existential crisis is a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose or value.

I decided, for a time, to take a break from the internet. The internet and I were not 'over' per se but I felt like I needed some space and take the opportunity to reassess whether this relationship was really good for the both of us or whether we were in an emotionally abusive place and were too involved with one another to grasp that yet. So I quit facebook, I stopped blogging, I stopped checking out other blogs (mostly, but these Buble stalked by a Raptor tumbls aren't going to read themselves) and I started spending less time in the matrix and more time in the 'real' world. Just to see how it felt, try it on for size and decide if I could be one of those people that doesn't have a firm grasp on what 'paypal' or 'podcasting' is. The sort of person who doesn't get a joke about 'the newest tumblr book deal'. Your dad basically. I wanted to see if I could become your dad (not literally, your mum is nice but I don't like her like that). And, despite my presence here right now I found I sort of could, to the extent that I haven't felt like I'm missing anything. It hasn't been a bad experience by any stretch of the imagination it's just been like... life. Life has happened all around me and I've felt somewhat more present for that than I normally do. Which is nice. But, if it's so spigging great living outside the matrix in your little spaceship with Lawrence Fishburne then why come back I hear you cry. Well, part of giving it all up was that I didn't know why I was writing words down anymore. Not that I fell out with words or felt like words and I needed a break (I have still been communicating, or at least attempting communication with forces external to myself such as; people, dogs, the tv, mosquito bites on my legs) but just that I wasn't sure what the end result was. Hence the existential crisis. I would think of something I would like to write down and then another voice inside me would go 'to what end' so I'd let it dance off into the sad little place that thoughts go when you don't turn them into action (the polar opposite of this - where action exists without thought - is known as the 'Big Brother house' and you can view it up close and personal from Wednesday). I sort of lost sight of or forgot a couple of big things; 1) what I wanted to be when I grow up (which at the moment is Jane Lynch or an Educational Psychologist. Maybe both) and 2) that I enjoy writing down thoughts sometimes which is kind of the end in and of itself. I felt suffocated by the persona I had created that was someone who enjoyed wroting things down and wasn't sure if I was still that person or if that person had become a habit. The lollable thing is: I still don't know. However, I've given one new personality a try (being your dad remember?) so now I'm going to see what the 'old' me feels like now I've gone off and started filling my time productively with skate lessons and whatnot. Whether I can incorporate the old with the new and not feel claustrophobic as a result.

Of course, had I stopped to look sooner I should have known the matrix would have the solution to all my problems. The matrix knows all. (Just like my mum in fact).