Crusha

It's been ages since I had a gay man crush but I developed an overwhelmingly potent one today. The thing about gay man crushes, that you must understand, is that - unlike straight man crushes - they are not based on sexual attraction but something (that I believe) to be much deeper and more interesting. Like a girl crush it's not about thinking they're petty (though if they are extremely pretty this certainly helps the crush along) but falls somewhere between wanting to be them and wanting them to braid your hair and talk about boys for hours on end (e.g. would you do Colin Farrell even with the stigma of doing Colin Farrell? Has Phillip Glenister been hiding this delicious torso all along or is it something he's worked on solely for the 'Mad Dogs' adverts? Omg just how delightful is Ryan Gosling?? (clue: very!)). Anyway, his name is Liam, he works in Body Shop and he gave me a shit load of free samples and he's SUPERCUTE. And I want him to be my gay boyfriend and I don't know how to make that happen? When I was 14 (to about 19 *cough*) and I used to get shopcrushes (gay and straight and girl) I used to hang around until they acknowledged my existence. Which has only worked so far on my current bestie and that's because I managed to wangle a job at her shop so she was forced to confront the reality of my existence. I'm not sure this tactic will ever work again as I don't really have time to get a job at Body Shop given all the cross stitch I have to do. All I know is I need Liam to braid my hair soon. OR I WILL DIE.

I also said at dinner with my folks (which inc. bestie) that it would make it a whole lot easier for me if we were both gay cos then I wouldn't have to bother with finding an actual boyfriend and she was all 'hmm. Yeah, well I'm not' and I was 'I know!' but secretly I was thinking 'I know! Thank god!' cos that bitch is CRAZY high maintenance. So, I don't even know why I said it in the first place. But I did. And then I was burned cos she threw it back in my face. I expect she was probably also thinking 'hmm. Yeah well I'm not... cos you Sazz are CRAZY high maintenance'.

And she would not be wrong.