Surf dudes with attitude, kind of groovy

So it happened. The blog post the other day has caused in me some kind of sick new addiction where I spend my days trawling youtube for all the best old skool theme songs. Let me tell you now, they sure don't make 'em like they used to. After a lot of careful analysis, weighing things up, looking to the stars, drafting pro/con lists, writing the pro/con lists up neatly, committing the pro/con lists to memory so I could throw the pro/con lists away in case anyone ever found the pro/con lists and used them against me in some kind of insanity trial (actually, if I do something really bad and plead insanity that may well help me get off... hmm... *retrieves pro/con lists from trash*), but eventually I settled on the greatest theme song of all time being...

Wait for it...

This.

But because I couldn't find that on youtube I'm going to talk about California Dreams title sequence instead.

For those who lived in a shoe in the early nineties, California Dreams was a Peter Engel production, based around a merry band of teenage wannabe rock stars (or 'dreamers') who were very clean-cut, had floppy/shiny hair and just-so-happened to live in 'California'. I recall they thought their music was fucking a-mazing.

It was insanely shit.

Now, this is from the first season. Might I add that although I never would have thought I could remember all the lyrics to this theme song all it took was the opening chord and not only did I immediately know the song off by heart, it ALL came flooding back in a Proustian rush. Little specific things suddenly occurred to me... like the fact that Kelly wanted to be a marine biologist, or bits of dialogue from the episode where Jake, Tony, and the lame cousin guy got addicted to smoking cigars(!), that the blind girl that Sly dated and fell in love with was the lead in that rubbish 'Nikki' sitcom. I feel fairly certain in saying that this is why I'm so abysmal at maths and science. All the spaces in my brain that should be taken up by equations and elements in the periodic table have been pushed aside in favour of useless trivia regarding pointless sitcoms.



Please note how, although you know it's rubbish, it doesn't seem too terrible from the title sequence alone. Yes, there's too many garishly patterned shorts and step-haircuts but which of us did not find garish patterns on clothes and step-haircuts attractive back in the mid nineties? Ok, all of us, but that was what American television executives had prescribed as attractive at the time so we all just pretended that we thought it was hot. But that's fine because they don't look like complete dicks that require immediate eye-stabbing, they just look like a bunch of slightly above-average-in-the-looks-probably-not-so-much-in-the-brains kids that enjoy hanging out, larking about, jumping on trampolines, and lip-synching into retro microphones. Isn't that the life you lead aged 16/17? No, me neither, I was too busy being a prototype emo. But back in the days before Dawson's Creek and The O.C. made us all much more jaded and cynical and smarter, this type of show passing as young person's entertainment doesn't seem too obscene. It's obviously fluffy nonsense, it's not going to change your life, but it's fairly soothing to numb the pain of existence while we all await our inevitable deaths (I'm pretty sure that's how the marketed the show back in the day... 'California Dreams: Look at pretty people leading inconsequential lives so you think less about how much you hate your own!').

But then... THEN we move to the second season.



Things have changed rather dramatically. Firstly, there's been a couple cast changes so it now plays more as a United Colors of Benetton ad. That is, of course, if the United Colors of Benetton advertising department smoked a load of crack and had all impulses that would give them a semblance of style or creativity removed surgically. My primary reaction when I saw this was 'why all the marbling?' They fucking LOVE the marbling. Whereas before we had nice filmic day/night beach shots (which makes sense as they LIVE NEAR THE BEACH) we're now watching them all standing in front of blue screens pretending to throw balls that turn into the sun. I remember marbling was all the rage back when I was in primary school (to the uninitiated this is where you put inks in a bowl of water and then lay a piece of paper on top, I still don't quite understand why we were enforced to do this even once let alone multiple times throughout the primary school years). Marbling is not, never has been, and never will be 'cool' nor will anyone ever deem it to look good. It's just a swirly mess of muted colours so, seriously, what's with all the fucking marbling? It genuinely bothers me (probably more than it should).

We start by seeing Brent gently wheeled into frame, hunched over his CASIO which he proceeds to pretend to play whilst emoting his little heart out (for which read 'raising eyebrows up and down at an alarming rate') for the 'surf dudes with attitude' line. That shows true professionalism. Selling that line effectively is not an easy task. Never fear though cos now the rest of the gang suddenly appear to help out for the 'kind of groovy' harmonies bit (which is even harder to sell for people that weren't hippies during the 1960's, and even for people that were hippies during the 1960's). They sort of 'groove' a bit to show just how 'groovy' they all are but, as anyone who has ever danced in front of a camera at their cousins wedding reception can attest, if you dance groovily you just end up looking like an uncomfortable tool.

As this bunch do now.

Cut to Kelly cutely peeking out behind her surfboard. You kind of know she was naked from the waist down for that bit. The blond, sweet looking ones are always the nastiest.

Now the 'WOW!' that was on Kelly's surfboard has somehow become a sort of sentient being as it appears bouncing in and out of frame next to Brent. He's not worried about this though and, just throws his head back to chuckle slightly whilst waving his right arm around as if to say 'hey, what can you do? I am kind of 'WOW!' aren't I?' Of course no-one thinks 'WOW' when they see Brent, they just think 'shit haircut!', but I don't suppose that would have fitted the mood of the show quite so effectively.

Jennie comes on, hits her mark, and turns to the camera with undisguised glee, 'those 12 years of drama school sure paid off! I'm glad I never got to have a real childhood and am only allowed to eat 3 lettuce leaves a day! Look what I've achieved with my life!'

Yeah Jennie, well done love. We'll see how happy you are two years after this all goes down the pan and you're reduced to selling signed pictures of yourself on street corners. Which won't sell until you substitute your face shots for ones where you're flashing you're tits.

Then Kelly plays the guitar while a fish swims merrily past. At first this didn't bother me too much as I assumed it had something to do with her wanting to be a marine biologist but later on we see Jake with ANOTHER fish swim past.
What.
The.
Hay?
Does anyone honestly have 'California' and 'fish' linked inexplicably in their minds? Beaches - yes, fish - no. David Hasselhoff running in slow motion - yes, fish - no. Are the fish swimming past through the air? (In which case, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK??) or are Kelly and Jake supposed to be doing their bits underwater? If so why? I can't even begin to grasp the logic that went into this decision in the edit suite;
'Yeah, the marbling is good, great even, but these bits with Kelly and Jake just lack the pizazz of all the other's solo spots.'
'You know, I think you're right, we need something to give the viewer just that little something extra, something more to hold their attention and really engage their brain'
'Well then, nothing engages the brain like omega-3. You know what is full of omega-3 don't you?!'
'FISH!'
'High-fives all round team! We've bloody gone and done it again!'
'Can you pass the crack pipe Chad?'

Then we hit Sly, you're lead to think that he's some kind of sex-obsessed potential date rapist (nothing says 'date rape' like a tucked in, patterned shirt does) but really he's just straight tripping balls cos the girl on the postcard thing next to him has come alive. The only things that have the power to make that happen is LSD or devil magicks. The real trick is working out which form of hallucination technique Sly himself subscribes to.

Now William. Can anyone say 'stereotype?'. Look at him with his crazy backwards baseball cap and shadow that looks like a funky rabbit. All black people's shadows look like funky rabbits when they dance. It's science. I feel sad when he smiles his brightest smile, his eyes look quite dead inside. No-one's eyes should look dead when they're twiddling a drum stick but he kind of knows that the edit suite jackasses are going to fuck with his bit worst of all. 'They just got me to do some funky moves whilst wearing a backwards baseball cap. I hope they were joking when they said they were going to give me a rabbit as my shadow.' Alas William they were not. Them damn fools in the edit suite never joke.

Sly (Micheal Cade) likes money you see. Of course, anyone that really likes money wouldn't be quite so blasé if it was falling onto them from up on high. They'd be scrabbling around on the fall shoving the money into their pockets as fast as possible. Also, side note, don't wear a jacket like that when you're holding a fistful of dollar-bucks Michael. Go into a shop and buy something that fits you. Please.

Then it's Jay/Jake on his bike WITH A FISH SWIMMING PAST. A seriously muthafucking big fish and all. (WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?!) He flicks his hair in the mirror of his harley. That's how all cool punk-ass bikers style their hair. It definitely doesn't look gay. At all. Hell no. What does look gay is that waistcoat (dude, come on! A waistcoat? Really?) Maybe if it wasn't teamed with a magenta long-sleeved sweatshirt (because that just makes something hideous ten times worse). The ensemble is topped with what looks like one of those bits of thin leather as a necklace and what suspiciously looks like lovebeads as a wrist adornment. You can try and fool us into thinking you're cool by nodding sagely at the camera and chewing gum but I can tell you now, for a fact, bikers don't wear lovebeads. Even bikers that are so sappy they find themselves guitaring for a shit pop-'rock' (I use the term loosely) band.

He'd still get it though. Twice.

One last wave from Kelly 'pricktease' Packard and then the aforementioned ball-into-sun moment courtesy of Jennie (those slacks are really really horrible) and it's over. 'Chillax and enjoy the rest of our shit show' they seem to be saying as their agents and parents stand by the sidelines forcing them to 'groove' again for money that every last adult there will have blown on coke and hookers.

Now season three.

They must have come to their senses a little with regards to how awful the season two effort was. The crack smoking was done with (hey, come on, we all need to experiment now and then) and they have recognised that the MTV generation are much too savvy for marbling background effects. So instead the general consensus seems to be playing up the quick-cuts and squwonky camera angles that all Gen-X-ers adored so much. Interspersed with colourful cartoon-y bits that were left over from the television version of Batman. When 'Ba BOOM' pops up next to Sly I half expect to see Adam West and Burt Ward swooping in for barely-disguised homoerotic tomfoolery. Also, the 'WOW!' is back, this time appearing next to Jennie who takes it with much better grace than Brent was ever capable of.

Speaking of whom, alas ol' Brent has been replaced by a latino chick and some lame-ass honkey who chooses to wear what sort of looks like denim waistcoats. I know I was ragging on Jake earlier for his choice of waistcoat attire but this, THIS really takes the biscuit. I remember loathing lame-ass honkey dude with a (somewhat irrational but no less fiery) passion at the time it first aired. I'm fearful that this was because I was enamoured with Brent Gore and felt loserkid just did not cut the mustard as a suitable crush-worthy replacement. I don't think I ever admitted this fact to myself at the time though as I must have known, even then, that crushing on California Dreams cast members was very sick and terribly wrong. However, this didn't stop me doing some internets investigations and finding out what Brent (now going by 'Brentley') Gore is up to these days. Turns out, kid is actually a musician! All those years on California Dreams playing inane songs about nothing did NOT remove his love of music! Heavens to Betsy! His myspace reveals that he was Jen and Brad's wedding singer (!) and, as well as the solo stuff has a band called Eye Electric. If you can bear it, read through 'what is Eye Electric'. Do this before looking at the pics (which is what I went to first) as you'll note the shit hair has gone and he's (whisper it) looking kind of alright nowadays. However, a skim read through any of the blogs and you'll come to the sad realisation that he's really quite the pretentious tosser. For instance, where love is concerned Brentley believes that "[it] begins in a man's understanding of his own individual desire, without any regard of his good neighbor's opinion. This lustful love must be continually refined and challenged in the often frightened face of truth; in the dark corners of his mind; and in the obvious warmth of light within him. His pulse will be reflected, even ignited by only those who are capable of understanding and also revealing.'

What a bunch of pseudo-intellectual bullshit. Sadly, experience has taught me that most cute singer/songwriters are like this. And is why all cute singer/songwriters should have a 'Warning' label tattooed on their foreheads at the earliest given opportunity.

He'd still get it though. Twice.