Recluse Wisdom

I haven't meaningfully left my abode for the best part of two weeks. Two trips to the cinema, work stuff and food shopping doesn't count. This leaves me with very little to write about given that all I have to occupy me are my thoughts, some books, humous, and downloaded American televisual programs. None of which anyone really needs to know anything about beyond the fact they exist. Which they all do. (I think).

So what can I teach you, what wisdom can I impart despite my current recluse status? I mean, Emily Dickinson wrote insightfully and beautifully about life and love without ever really leaving the house, maybe I can attempt the same thing?

Or, and more likely, maybe I can just tell you the following:

- Middle-aged women in groups of three or more are terrifying. Completely terri-fy-ing. I don't know why, when individually they are merely intimidating, if they group up they scare me shitless. I'm not sure how they manage to be so unassuming in their nice cardigans and flowery-print tops (I don't mean this as a criticism, I wear similar garb for work. It's called 'being a do-gooder for the Council') and yet so fear inducing at the same time. Nothing is more likely to give me a panic attack than an invite for a coffee with six middle aged ladies. Not even thoughts of the inevitable zombie apocalypse (brother has cultivated a vegetable patch to allow us to cope for at least a few weeks after this occurs - it's called 'planning for the future', maybe you want to look it up some time?). Zombies just eat your flesh, middle-aged ladies have dark powers far exceeding mere reanimated corpses - they intimidate and subtly criticise in ways where you're not sure they actually criticised you but you feel slighted nonetheless up until there is nothing left but a quivering mess of quarter aged girl. If you were wondering whether or not I have a complex relationship with my mother then yes, why do you ask?

- The Hampshire Dyslexic Society uses Lee from Blue as a reason you shouldn't be ashamed of having dyslexia.

Seriously.

So, ok, long gone are the days when I could legitimately carry around a hatred for the R'n'B boy band Blue with their frosted tips and cargo pants and duets with Stevie Wonder that made me want to shoot myself in the face. I have had to accept they existed and move on (though I will say in the new 'we sell, we buy' music shop in Southampton 76% of their stock seems to be exclusively made up of Blue albums. There are more people wishing to forget Blue existed and part with their precious 'One Love' than we previously thought, which gives me a sliver of hope for the human race) but really, you are using Lee from Blue to make dyslexia seem ok? You, and don't take this the wrong way, you know who he is right? Here are some choice 'Lee from Blue' quotes just in case they passed you by the first time:

After 9/11:
"Who gives a fuck about New York when whales and elephants are being killed?"
[Everyone? I think everyone gave a fuck. If your point is that there are other things going on on our planet that are abhorrent then I do not disagree Sir but your point is diluted slightly when thousands of people were killed in an unparalleled act of aggression and destruction that changed the face and direction of the entire human race. Just slightly though.]

On seduction techniques:
"If I fancy a girl, I'll tell her. I'll say: 'You're fit'"
[And I'm sure they've been waiting their life to hear such words of beauty spoken by a man with the heart of a poet such as yourself.]

"I try not to sleep with every girl I see, but it's hard!"
[Obviously.]

Existential Musings:
"I still have imaginary friends who I talk to in my head."
[Actually, so do I.]

"There is something really mysterious about lions. They could rip you apart if they wanted to, but at the same time they look so cuddly. Can you imagine what humans look like to animals? They must think we're so weird."
[Mustn't they just?]

"To be honest everything goes over my head a bit."
[STOP THE PRESSES! THIS JUST IN!]

So... yeeeeah. That's your role model. Um... Congratulations?

- My skin radiates with (pasty) goodness up until I set one foot out of the door, at which point I have a breakout so severe children are afraid to look at me. I think that's God's way of telling me I shouldn't leave the house.

- Snog, Marry, Avoid is the greatest.

Emily Dickinson has got shit on me. This recluse-wisdom thing is a piece of piss.