Smells I have smelt

Last night, as my gay husband was escorting myself and my heterosexual life partner (HLP) home after a gig we had all attended (that I think we might have accidentally, and without our knowledge, been sucked through a wormhole at some point on the 'to' journey and actually witnessed an event from 1993 - or maybe acoustic singer/songwriter evenings always have and always will have that Jeff Buckley/Ani DiFranco-knockoff vibe about them - either way, beards, caterwauling and dyed red hair a-go-go) we smelt a curious, and distinctly unpleasant smell emanating from somewhere in the nearby vicinity.

I was the first one to notice the foul odor. Unlike my hearing, my sense of smell is particularly acute. It's a blessing and a curse, namely I'm good at identifying when I really need a shower but I also can't stomach milk that's 'on the turn' like the rest of my family (who appear to have the constitution of wild boars and will eat food way past it's sell-by-date as some sort of test of their man/woman-hood). Both my mother and father are like this, 'it's fine! It's only a week past the use-by date!' was a familiar refrain in my household growing up. If you want to impress them then going round either of their houses (them not living together and all) and chowing down on a piece of bread with signs of mold starting on the crust is probably your best bet. If you then agree to finish the yogurt that's been hanging around for a week too long at the back of the fridge my mother will probably insist you marry me or my brother immediately due to you demonstrably being of 'good stock' (my dad would be less impressed with that as he was probably saving that yoghurt for himself). Being a wuss (or 'woos' as my mother insists on spelling it) when it comes to food that's edible-but-yet-not-really-edible is another reason (and possibly the main one) for me being the black sheep of the family.

Anyway, the smell.

'It's probably just the magic tree. It's been stinking my shit up for days. That's all I can smell on myself lately' said Gay Husband.

It was not a magic tree smell.

To me it smelt of really strong cheese left over an open drain for a few days. HLP just thought it smelt of poo. Gay Husband insisted the only thing he could smell was the magic tree until, five minutes after the initial smell was smelt by moi it wafted over to his nostrils and he reacted like someone had punched him in face. 'FUCK. ME' he exclaimed 'I get it! I get the smell! OPEN YOUR WINDOWS!'

'That's making it worse!'

'Is it?'

I don't KNOW!'

'Do the windows up then!'

'No! It's even WORSE now!'

'TURN OFF THE HEATERS, TURN OFF THE HEATERS!'

'Oh god, it seems to be clearing. I can't smell it so bad now'

'I can! Jesus wept!'

'Oh fuck. I can too! SOMEBODY HELP US!'

We just couldn't work out if the call was coming from inside the house so to speak. Windows up seemed to incubate the smell yet windows down appeared to exacerbate the issue. However, it wasn't until I got home that I was able to verify that that's not 'just what Portsmouth smells like' which is what the consensus had agreed upon...
'Maybe this is just the smell of Portsmouth?'
'That's make sense'
... but was in fact dog poo on my shoe. I think I should feel more guilty for accusing Portsmouth of smelling like dog poo but I don't. People who have been there will be able to explain why.

It sort of reminds me of the time I smelt the foulest stench of my life, which was in fact originating from the newest garbage heap built on Portsmouth's border, but because it hit my nose precisely five seconds after my friend Farr ran over a dead swan ( :( faces all round) now, whenever the breeze is blowing my way and I am unfortunate enough to smell the garbage dump, it just smells to me like dead swan. As far as I am concerned that's what dead swans smell like. Like 15,000 tonnes of waste piled on top of each other.

Anyway, that concludes my discussion of 'bad smells I have smelt'. Tune in next week for 'gross things I have seen' (*spoiler alert* pus is involved!) that will conclude the series of lectures on 'shit no-one really wants to know about but you seem compelled to tell everyone anyway'*.

*Maybe that's just what I should rename this blog?