Pulling it all together

I'm trying this new thing of pulling all the versions of myself into one coherent whole. I don't know if it's a girl thing, a 'being in your 20's' thing, or a me thing but I've never felt fully able to display all sides of my character in one go before. Like, if you met me in a work situation that person would not be the same person who you conversed with if you met me when I was with my mother (and the lady that you would meet if you met me through my dad would be totally different again), just as the person I am with one friend can be almost diametrically opposed to who I am with other friends (this especially applies to people I've dated. I don't think I've ever been the same girlfriend to anyone). Like in BSG you've got all these cylons who look exactly the same but are all different characters (for instance, Boomer and Sharon react and evolved as differently as two people can in the face of everything they went through) - that's sort of how I've seen myself in the past. There'll have been special people who have seen a fair number of the cylon-mes but, for the most part, I put on the cylon suit most appropriate for each situation. Whenever I've met someone who I can just be 'myself' with (whatever the fuck that means) I've always clung onto them for dear life because it happens so infrequently. It's only now that I'm starting to realise that maybe I can just be the version of myself I like; with everyone, and let them deal with it rather than stress about it myself. Maybe I can be a little goofy as well as sarcastic with people I work with, maybe I can admit I smoke to everyone and not just to people who already smoke, maybe I don't have to be a sulky bitch with my dad all the time and can let him see me be relaxed and funny. It's never occurred to me that that might be possible before but I'm starting to think it could be.

Having gone through a short but intensive bout of therapy I've been made aware of a lot of things that seems obvious in retrospect but I'd never really given consideration to before. The main one being that I oftentimes meet other people's needs before my own. This isn't a selfless act, in fact, I actually get quite a kick out of it. As a result I think I've adapted who I am and who people need me to be to a point where it's stopped being comfortable and I've found myself in bad situations. Most obviously, how did I end up falling in love with a married alcoholic when I was in the best head-space I've ever been in when it all started? It was bothering me big time. I thought I'd finished trying to fuck myself up, I was done with doomed relationships, I was finally ready to have a grown up, sensible, healthy life. Why would I do something so fucked up and non-sensible and unhealthy? It didn't make sense. Until it was pointed out to me that it all began because I was able to give him something which, in that moment, he really needed. I never would have made a play for him. I wasn't even thinking about what I wanted. It was about what he wanted: always. From start to end. And, as I said, I enjoyed that. I did get a buzz from being so wanted and being able to fulfill whatever he needed. Times I couldn't, I felt lousy. To pretend otherwise is dishonest. I really enjoyed that aspect even though I recognised it to be unhealthy. Leading on from that, why have I slept with men before when I didn't really like them or fancy them or want to be with them? Because I like to give people what they want or they need without ever really stopping to ask whether it's something I want or need. It seems so fucking obvious now someone has said it out loud. However, it's not an aspect of myself I want to get rid of completely as it doesn't have to be a bad thing. In my job; where I have to help people and do all I can to get them out of a bad situation and into a good one, it's obviously a useful desire to have. Otherwise I would suck really hard at my job. But I've become really hyper aware of what my needs are now, thinking thoroughly about whether I'm doing something for me or for the buzz I get from doing something for someone else. It's also made things very clear as to where and why things went wrong for me in the past. Why certain relationships didn't work out, why certain men treated me as a glorified concubine (because I acted like one, duh!). It's kind of annoying in it's clichedness (*cue spinning newspaper* Extra! Extra! Read all about it! 'Shocker: woman puts others before herself!') but I guess cliches are cliches for one reason and one reason alone: they are often true.

Identity has always been a really important part of being human but I seem to find it more fascinating than most. The layers we build up , the costumes we put on, the burlesque we perform each and every day for every single person we come into contact with. It's not that I don't think other people do these things, that I'm particularly special or unique in some way, it's just that I've always been a little too aware of how fractured my personality is. Everyone filters their truths for differing audiences but when I do it, it's not just filtering; it's alchemy. Which makes it sound like a positive thing when it's never felt that way. The number of times I have sat in a room and wished and wished to have the freedom to be another version of myself in that moment; known that I have the power to be whatever me I choose and yet been impotent to access it when it matters. It's like, after a while, you lock yourself into being the person that other people think you are so it becomes a self-fulfilling vicious circle - my dad thinks I am shy because I have always behaved shy around new people when I'm with him, which means when I meet new people around him I'm not vivacious, I don't ask a lot of questions, I don't charm anyone or make them laugh, (even though I can be that person when I want) because my dad thinks I am shy. So that's the role I play: The shy girl. Or at work in some meetings with people I'll be really quiet and not speak up when I have something to say but with my mum and my brother at home I'm a loud-mouthed, antagonistic bitch who is never afraid of letting them know what I think (which sometimes does me more harm than good but still). It seems like it would serve me well to pull all of these disparate entities together - because I think they are all needed - and just let the pieces fall as they may. I search so hard for people who will just accept me as I am but I rarely ever give anyone the option of doing just that.

So I'm trying not to do that anymore. It's not that I don't care what people think of me, it's just that maybe I don't need to put their needs first (and in fact maybe I'm selling everyone short by believing I know what version of me is best for them), maybe I can just find a happy balance of being all the cylons walking around claiming to be Sazz at once because that is what works best for Sazz. She's the one whose opinion matters the most when it comes to being Sazz right?