Big Yellow Taxi

My internet connection has been a bit wonky of late. It connects for a good two minutes at a time then goes cold, then starts up again. My broadband is such an internet tease it deserves everything it gets (especially looking like that). This shouldn’t really be a problem except for the times (and it is a lot of times) when I am suddenly attacked by an overwhelming urge to check on trivia about the actress who plays Julie Cooper (happens more often than you would think) or check to see whether or not I have Swine Flu (apparently if you don’t have any flu-like symptoms you probably don’t have swine flu. Who knew? Certainly not the trained medical professionals who are not adverse to proscribing Tamiflu: ‘the miracle cure that makes swine flu go away at least a day earlier than it would have done anyway! Just like magic!’, to anyone who decides they might want it and flat out lie to get it. Is it just me or does that seem counterproductive in the long run what with the annoying little habit viruses have of mutating and whatnot. Like my man Jeff Goldblum says; ‘life finds a way’. The government should be made aware that that applies to both man-eating dinosaurs and man-killing flu bugs.)

This is a problem. Not indulging every whim. Every thought left unchecked. If I can't look at pictures of David Cross and Amber Tamblyn then what can I do with my down time? Literally nothing. There is nothing else. I've checked. You might suggest I get out in to the sunshine (I retort; 'what sunshine?' and we all Lots of Love until the tears are streaming down our very British weather-chat loving faces), or go see a movie (I retort 'what movies?' and you look at me like I'm a retarted 4 year old and say 'any movie, Pick one' and I say, with the slightest hint of hope in my voice, 'G-Force?' and you go 'Sure. G-Force. I'm sure you'll love that' and I'll smile and start quietly humming to myself because I am too stupid to understand sarcasm and you walk away shaking your head slowly and rolling your eyes).

I just can't really remember what I did before the internet was there. Even if I'm just lounging and want to have a gander at Martin Amis's wikipedia entry and I can't it feels like a little piece of my basic human rights have been denied*. Not that I'm saying I'm like a Burmese political prisoner or anything but, basically, I'm like a Burmese political prisoner. Me and those guys (and girls! Sexist!) have so much in common it's unreal - they're not allowed to watch youtube videos of sharks with penises in their mouths either!) (No-one should be allowed to look at that). I don't remember randomly flicking through the encyclopedia (that is such a lie but I don't want you guys to think I'm a nerd - OMGs you guys don't think I'm a nerd do you? That's it, my life is officially over) (these things are so important) so, how am I supposed to get my random trivia fix? I guess I could read a book (you guys know I can't read!) but what else informs me where I know Rachel from The OC from? (Mona from Friends! How could I forget you?!) I guess, in the words of the world's foremost poet Sandi Thom, 'you don't know what you got till it's gone' (kidding I know that was by Amy Grant really).

*France agrees with me