Tick box

At the moment (read: 'literally within the last two days') I am obsessed with Demetri Martin. I do this thing a lot where I find something I really like and then I'll research it endlessly and try and cater to that void in my soul where I need as much information as possible about the obsession at hand (the tv show Glee and the writer David Foster Wallace have been the most recent subjects of this bizarre mental condition I seem to have. I think it's the remnants of when I was a semi-professional stalker of crushes*). I'll start at the Wikipedia or IMDb page depending upon what category of entertainment it falls in to (it will always fall into a category of entertainment of some kind. I have yet to develop this disorder in relation to car gear boxes or horse riding or something) (though I'm sure those things can be extremely entertaining) and then work outwards from there, linking to interviews, biographies, pictures, character assassinations, who they are dating etc etc. What I then do is work out how similar (or, usually) dissimilar my life is, to the life the object of my obsession has had. How did they start their career? Where did they get the idea for the tv show/book/film from? What did they do before they [insert thing of note here]?

I find it comforting and depressing in the same measure. What I have learned is that most of these people started off normal (as in, they could have been your neighbour or work colleague at some point rather than 'pretty mentally stable' - in that case of 'normal' it is usually not in the affirmative in one way or another. They have lived recognisable lives up till a certain point is what I am trying to say). But then, for whatever reason, they decided to stop living recognisable lives and do something they really wanted to do. Stop looking for approval and start making themselves happy or whatever. That's all quite inspiring stuff, except for the part where I know I will probably never get to the crux on my life's journey where I do the tailspin-turn-around-wacky 'I'm moving to Dakota and going to clown college mom!' type manoeuvre.

And, weirdly this has never occurred to me but revelation! light bulb! this is perhaps where my incessant researching starts to make sense: I think I'm looking to collect enough evidence that I could pack up and leave for clown college tomorrow and everything would be ok. Meaning that, maybe, one day, I could be brave enough to follow that life-long dream of becoming a clown in Dakota too. Just like how they all did! Every now and then I will come across something that someone I admire has said when discussing their funny little quirks from their 'pre-Dakota Clown College' lives and it pushes me further along the scale of thinking if they do it why can't I?

Demetri Martin has done this for me today:

At some point I created a point system, like breaking my life down into categories, and then in each category trying to achieve certain things in a week's time. Every Sunday night I would tally up what I had achieved, for a total possible of 35 points. It was mind, body, career, personal management/relationship contribution. It was pretty funny. It was really ambitious in retrospect. The stuff I set out to do each week was pretty much impossible. I kept track of it for 27 weeks. I had a binder in which I actually was consistent for half a year. Every week I'd carry it around with me. I never got 35 points. I never even got close. Years later I found it, and I was like, “Oh my god, this is crazy.” 4 points was my lowest week, and I think 24 was my highest. When I made the system I figured I'd be topping out in the 30s, and once I'm close to my maximum, I'll just bump up each category, I'll just make the goals a little harder. And then that way I can develop a balanced set with the different things that I'm trying to learn how to do. I averaged 11 points out of my own system. So I failed kind of miserably. But the cool thing is that ever since then I haven't really ever been bored. I haven't watched TV since then, and I just never really feel like there isn't something to do. That changed my perspective. So it's like, draw a picture if you're sitting somewhere, or write something down, or write a palindrome. It's just about all the different opportunities in one moment. It changed my perspective on time and creating things.
[Via]

I actually feel kind of embarrassed by the fact that this quotes illustrates exactly where I am right now. I've got this grand 'get shit together before turning 30' plan and it is the most elaborately detailed series of boxes and checks and ticks and numbers and shit. It's insane. I have lieterally broken down every area of my life where I want to achieve something and worked out to the day what I have to achieve. This data is then inputted onto a monthly spreadsheet so I can make sure I'm on target. Even things like 'finish 4 books a month', 'see 6 plays a year', 'complete one craft project a month' is planned and logged and ticked and checked and calibrated (maybe not the last one). Anyway, every now and then I have a 'what the fuck am I doing this shit for?' moment and finding this Demetri quote just made it all better for me. He has made my mental illness ok. Gay Beatles can do that for you. (And it is true, from devising this system it has ensured I am now never bored).

The only difference between us is that I'm actually doing quite well at achieving all my goals. Maybe it won't be that long before you see me ride past on a unicycle with a rainbow wig on after all.



*Chloe was my guru in this field of study and remains the only true professional I've ever had the pleasure to observe in the art of stalking. One particular amazing experience left me breathless with wonder: We stepped inside the Psycholigy admin office and she proceeded to engage the clueless admin lady in the most inane yet captivating conversation whilst slyly scanning the walls which had all the undergrads pics and photos on to find the name of - later we discover complete dickish - object of her affections at that time. It was like watching Mark Slone in action! But in real life, and a girl without a moustache, and stalking a romantic interest not trying to solve a murder. Otherwise - perfect analogy.