Love Quest '11

I am seriously considering joining some kind of internet dating service (you know, now that I'm less mental and might actually be able to date again and everything) so have been thinking about what sort of things I'd include in my profile to give people a 'flava' of who I am. So far under 'likes' I've got:

'le petit trains*, dinosaur pasta shapes (yum!), general dinosaur-based entertainment (bonus if has Jeff Goldblum or Hannah from S Club involvement), Liza Minelli's eyes when she sings, esoteric Simpsons references, how my brain tricks me into thinking I can speak French when I watch films with subtitles ("I understood nearly all of that!"), unicorns, cross stitching pictures of unicorns'

None of this makes me sound too weird does it?

*which I amused myself so much with I had to also add it to my facebook profile. I have not logged in for ever but did so for the express purpose of doing that. And I read it back to myself and I laughed really hard because I am so funny.**

** as I did again with this little aside.

Dating tips

I absolutely adore ('not adore') the MSN 'dating' section. It pops up on the 'Today' screen whenever I log in to MSN (which is often. LOL @ people who think I no longer login to MSN - I'm totes there, lurking*, I just set myself to 'offline' because I'm no better at polite conversation online than I am in 'real' life. God I used to be SUCH an MSN whore I sometimes think my soul was removed at some point in the last four years and replaced by someone completely different who had all my memories implanted and THINKS they're still 'me' but actually they're someone completely different**) and it has loads ('not loads') of useful tips on how to stop being single, find a boyfriend, stop being so fat, find a boyfriend, etc (as we all know your worth as a woman is measured entirely in how many men you can make want to sleep with you). Today's hints and tips can be found here and are, as ever, completely revelatory and mind-blowing. In that they will blow your mind because of how, after reading these tips, you will want to take a gun to your head and pull the trigger.

In case you have not are unable to understand the concept of 'hyperlinking' (maybe you were raised in a cave by wolves, or are from Gosport - basically the same thing - or maybe you are from the future and have uncovered this corner of the webosphere in what counts as archaeology these future days) I will recreate the headlines for you:

1. 45-minute showers (as in 'don't')
2. Spoilt pets (as in 'don't')
3. "Casual Sunday" (as in 'don't')
4. All TV, all the time (as in 'don't')
5. Biscuits in bed (as in 'don't')
6. Aimless whistling (as in 'don't')
7. Lack of matching crockery (as in 'don't')

Let me just take a second to remind you that this list is 100% fo' realz. Not a parody of stupid obvious vapid lists that the media are satuarated with, it's sincerely a stupid obvious vapid list that the media is satuarated with. I can boil this down further into 'don't be such a fucking annoying slob lard-o'. Which is good advice I guess (because of course no-one who is a fucking annoying slobby ol' lard-o is in a relationship. Onslow from Keeping Up Appearences and Skins being the sole exception) but the idea that you might not be able to make an honest, deep, beautiful connection with someone due to your lack of knowledge about the kitchen section at Ikea is depressing (I say this as a person who regularly enjoys opening my kitchen cupboard just to stare wistfully at my matching big plates, little plates and bowls all lined up at right angles and nestling up to one another like identical new-born kittens (or something) and sighing contentedly). Or that wearing your jim-jams till after the Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday (at which point there's little point in getting dressed 'properly' because who are you the fucking Queen? Who gives a shit??) might preclude you from forming a reciprocal, meaningful, life-long bond with another human being. These lists are so reductive and pointless. If I stop eating in bed will I get a boyfriend? Who cares! Let them eat cake! In bed! if they so wish. Here's a better list:

1. Go to therapy
2. Be kind
3. Be mindful and open to the world around you
4. Be passionate about the things you find interesting
5. Think for yourself
6. Learn how to be the most 'you' version of you that's possible, completely and without apology (see point 1)
7. Ignore stupid obvious vapid lists

If you do all that then whether or not you find a romantic partner won't actually matter but may in fact be a pleasant consequence of such action. God, when will I be made president of the world? I sure hope it is soon!

*Just like in real life in fact!
** Memo to self: Maybe mention this to therapist***
*** Or maybe don't. Pretty sure she'll think I'm crazy.

Dating etiquette

Guilty as charged on all counts I think.

[Via]

Dream Weavers

It's not very often I get really excited about people finding love (normally it makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little). Not that I'm bitter you understand, just cynical after YEARS and YEARS of disappointments (I may also be a little bitter) but Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer getting engaged really warms my cockles.

In many ways I truly believe that I'm just that little bit *too* weird to find someone who would put up with me but also, I like that weirdness and would kind of like to find someone who not only understands why my lunacy is awesome, but also has their own unique brand of bizarre for me to kick back and appreciate on my days off from working the crazy train you know? I'm not talking about the type of guy who is exactly like me but with man parts instead of the womb and vagina that I was blessed with, I mean someone who can bring their own awesome to the table and it meshes well with my awesome. Like, I'm humous and they're pitta bread. I mean, they're different, but MAAAAAN are they good together you know? Sometimes that seems like a dream too far (apart from the times when I am eating humous with warm pitta bread and I don't care about anything in the world except for how awesome it is inside my mouth at that moment in time) but VERY occassionally along comes a couple who epitomises this dream in every way and just happens to be real. Neil and Amanda got their own thang workin' for them but put it together and it becomes even bigger and more beuatiful than the sum of it's parts... which allows me to feel hopeful that maybe one day I could find that too.

I mean, if I don't, then no biggie but it'd be cool if I did ya know? You know.

Men are from Earth, Women are also from Earth

From now on I'm taking all my dating advice from these guys. They seem to have it all figured out better than I do.

Oh hi!

I need to start dating in the 80's like, yesterday (except I was a child in the 80's so that's wrong on a number of levels but with a handy DeLorean and no roads* it shouldn't be an ish)


*Where we're going we don't need roads see? Because we have dating videos and they are awesome enough to handle our infrastructure requirements.

Pon de floor

Major Lazer "Pon De Floor" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

So THAT'S how you're supposed to do that. Huh.

Revelations

Kes
I always fancy guys in necklaces
Me
What?
Kes
Well... Chuck Bass and Morrissey
Me
I guess that is the only link between those two

Pick Ups

Have you seen The Pick Up Artist on VH1?

It will BLOW YOUR MIND.

Possibly literally.

Basically, some tool in a Jamiroquai hat teaches nerds how to get a one night stand with vulnerable women who are looking for a replacement for their daddy's love (which they feel they never had enough of) through promiscuous sex.

It's the most beautiful, life enhancing show I've ever had the good fortune to let my eyes fall upon.

In Opposite Land that is.

Thing is, there's a lot of talk about 'self empowerment' (and it seems true that the nerds do gain self confidence) but, at the end of the day, they're not looking for long-lasting fulfilling relationships, they're gaining the ability to hunt out women that will have sex with them. I'm not a playa-hater (I am totally a playa-hater) but treating women as an object to be (literally let's not forget) 'picked up' (and then presumably discarded) doesn't seem to be sending out the best message. Wouldn't it be nice to have a show about people that are a bit low on self-esteem and teach them how they are special and unique and don't have to wear a cowboy hat and a cape or dress as a gay pirate to appear interesting or fuckable to the opposite sex? And maybe, once they've learned to love themselves they can focus on finding somebody else to love, somebody who will love them in return just as they are? Wouldn't that be nice? It would also be completely unwatchable so carry on Mystery. Carry on teaching nerds to be misogynists. That is totes what the world needs more of. And also, while you're at it, hire these guys as your wingmen:

How Can I Tell If I'm Really In Love?

Maybe Justine Bateman and Ted Danson can tell me?



Ted Danson teaches us, not only the sort of lines men might use to get you to have sex, but also demonstrates how not to sit in a chair.

Over things I have learned:
- If a guy tells me I have beautiful eyes what he really means is that I'm a heifer and disgust him,
- Old guys who over enunciate every sentence when talking about sex should be avoided at all costs,
- Young men that lie on benches on their stomachs make me feel uncomfortable and I'm not sure why,
- Teenagers from the 80s found things hysterically funny that are really not hysterically funny.