What's better

I saw two films tonight that have made me all thinky in my mind thoughts.

Firstly, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I guess my main take from that film is that isn't it so much better to be in the freaks and geeks crowds when you're young? My fun, their fun, came from creating this whole little universe of joy from the things I/they were passionate about. Isn't that better than the crowds whose fun came from feeling superior to others and making people feel bad for being themselves? I often wonder if the sluts and gays and weirdos and clever intense people freak everyone else out because they don't require the same sort of validation that the insiders need? They just are who they are. I got told by my tutor at college yesterday that she can see me working with young people because I have this unique sense of style and dress so differently but its something that I'm obviously completely comfortable with. That sounds really shallow typed out but it did mean something to me, and I got exactly what she was trying to say. I always felt like an outsider, but rather than yearn to be on the inside I slowly but surely created my own little world here where I stood. Which means I get to be myself completely. I like connecting with people wherever they stand as well, but especially the ones that feel they don't fit. They will always always have this great little perspective on the rest of the world and, if they are lucky, will get to create a place where they feel totally at home just being them. No expectations, no judgements, just somewhere they can have fun being themselves.

The second was Ruby Sparks. This made me feel so much better about being a 'quirky' girl (see above) that is also real. The two male characters have a conversation at one point about how one of them has created this girl that is not real. Her flaws just make her more adorable when in fact real women are flawed because they are human, not because it makes them cuter. The example was that his wife is amazing and he loves her entirely but sometimes she's just really mean to him for no reason. I do that. I am so mean to my boyfriend for really, genuinely, no reason. I don't think it's because I am a mean person, I think it's just because I am a human person. I got it into my head for a while that my boyfriend only wanted 'good' Sazz. The one who is funny and caring and wears cool clothes. He didn't want anything to do with 'bad' Sazz who takes things too personally and is selfish and doesn't bother to shave her legs. But there is no 'good' and 'bad Sazz. There is just Sazz. And more of the time than not she does alright. Ruby Sparks made me feel like that's ok.

What's Happening?

Just remembered that time I was in Paris on Bastille Day without knowing it was Bastille Day ('sure are a lot of jets flying round and I didn't know the French liked bunting!') and then later, when getting to Berlin, not knowing that Obama was giving a pre-presidential speech there that day ('what's with all the guys in suits and sunglasses walking round the Brandenburg Gate at 4am??!').

It kind of makes me wonder what goes on each day that I have no idea about because I don't go on local free tours every day of my life (which is the only reason I found out about the aforementioned events).

Question!

If the majority of women hate the way their body looks can we all not just decide to nod sagely at one another and agree that we look fine? Like, not perfect maybe but good enough all the same? Can we not just do that starting now and make everything easier on ourselves forever and ever amen?

SOME GROUND RULES

If you are you skinny don't make other people feel bad about their bodies.

If you are curvy don't make other people feel bad about their bodies.

If you are tall don't make other people feel bad about their bodies.

If you have big boobs don't make other people feel bad about their bodies.

Et cetera, etc. AND SO FORTH AND SO ON. Whatever verb you might use to describe your body don't then turn around and use that to make someone else feel that they aren't as good as you for not sharing that verb. Just accept the person in front of you for whom they are. And then, when you've done that (as I think it's probably the easiest first step), turn around and look in the mirror and accept your body for the way it is. Whatever verbs you, or others, might apply to it. It's fine. Really. It's good enough. HONESTLY.

Just accept that this is my body, it's my right to choose how it looks, if I want to change the way it looks I will but not due to anyone else making me feel bad about the way it looks. Everyone else's body is theirs to do with as they please also. It's not up to you to decide how it should look. If they decide they want it to look different that is up to them. Let's all share the same rights on that score. No one is too skinny, no one is too fat. Everyone is fine. Mind your own business and concentrate on loving and accepting yourself.

My personal ethos is that as long as I can fit into Topshop dresses I don't need to worry how many pounds overweight I am. I can accept that BMI probably has a general correlation to fitness/healthiness but that is pretty much as far as it goes (and even using the word 'general' might be over stating it). Above and beyond that I don't sweat it. If most everyone else is walking around thinking their thighs are too fat, their ankles are too thin, or whatever whatever whatever then why should I waste that energy as well thinking about my tubby belly? I want to use that energy on more constructive things. Like, thinking or doing absolutely anything else in the whole entire universe.


I wish this is what we were told: Try and get regular exercise that you enjoy more than once a week (but if life takes over don't beat yourself up about it), eat foods that taste good and are good for you and not too much of them all at once (but if you eat foods that are bad for you every now and again and/or a lot of food in one sitting occasionally then that's fine too). Do this because it means you're being kind to yourself. Your body deserves to be moved around and get the best fuel it can because you're worth being kind to. Be kind to yourself more. You're great just the way you are. And so is everyone else. Be kind to everyone else too.

"THE SANITY BEGINS TODAY"

Wherever I leave my hat, that's my brain

'uncomfortablness...?? No that's not it... Umm... uncomfortability? Uncomfort...abley?

...

discomfort'

CONVERSATIONS MY BRAIN HAS WITH ITSELF.

Seeing It All

I have sort of figured out at this point in my life that there are going to be days when I feel sad. When brushing my teeth or washing my hair or actually wearing clothes that couldn't be described as 'loungewear' is just going to be too much effort for me. Although giving in to this feels like I'm a complete loser who will never again exist in the world as a functional member of society the worst thing I can do, personally, is rail against it. The giving in is the first step to getting over it and if I avoid that, vital, first part then it just drags on.

Luckily I no longer experience the sort of crippling 'weeks have gone passed and I haven't spoken to anyone but my mum and my dogs' depression that Allie Brosch describes but I do know exactly what it's like. It's been fucking horrible is what it's like.

But fuck, I am crazy in love with this seriously amazing man (who, seems to, rather crazily love me back) and I can't believe just how lucky I am. We've been through a 'bit of bother' as we navigate our way to living contently side by side as opposed to living somewhat contently but separately, but even that is kind of great in a truly bizarre way. Just hearing his key in the door as he gets in from work, making him cheese and tomato sandwiches for his lunch while he sips his coffee behind me in the kitchen, seeing him get angry when the PS3 won't set up properly. All of it is seeing him, and him seeing me.

I like that.

I love that.

Taking the Good with the Bad

Liking is for cowards. Go for what hurts.

How to land your kid in therapy.

Both these articles are essentially saying the same thing. Without deep pain, we can never experience true happiness; without allowing for the prospect that we will be hated, we will never allow ourselves to be truly loved.

I think this is an important point to remember - you can't have the good stuff without the bad stuff.

Although I tend to raise a skeptical eyebrow at anyone who waxes lyrical about Eastern philosophies (being, as they generally are, smelly dreadlocked hippies - and thus my natural enemy) there is a weird tendancy of the Western world to deny the idea that good/evil, love/hate, yin/yang have to exist equally in order to support one another.

No tribal rite has yet been recorded which attempts to keep winter from decending; on the contrary: the rites all prepare the community to endure, together with the rest of nature, the season of terrible cold. And in the spring, the rites do not seek to compel nature to pour forth immediately corn, beans, and squash for the lean community; on the contrary: the rites dedicate the whole people to the work of nature's season. The wonderful cycle of the year, with its hardships and periods of joy, is celebrated, and delineated, and represented as continued in the life-round of the human group.

          - Joseph Campbell "The Hero with a Thousand Faces"

I guess because my life is going through a ridonkulously good patch at the moment I'm wary about becoming too relaxed, or expecting that it will always be this way (I know for a fact it won't, not just won't but CANNOT). It's not so much, learning to avoid bad things (though that can lessen the bad times certainly) but learning how to cope with the bad times. How to endure, together, the oncoming winter. Because winter will come. Even in June. Especially in June if you happen to live in England.

Mistooken

Here’s what I’m saying— go ahead and screw things up. You’re young— you’re supposed to do that for a while. Rebel. Write bad poetry. Listen to bad music and roll your eyes at the adults. Be concerned with things that don’t matter. Because when you get to be my age—23 years old and not 42 no matter what my stupid Wikipedia page says—you’ll realize how valuable all of your mistakes were in making you the person you’ll end up being.

--- Patton Oswalt

If I had that DeLorean this is exactly the advice I would tell my gawky, weird(er), shy self. I think everyone should aim to make as many mistakes as possible by the time they're 20. They then have five years to carry on making those same mistakes but should work to understand why those choices, those men(/women) you waste your hours mooning away over, that dumb shit you pull, is a mistake. Then comes the harder bit of actually making good choices, not letting your past rule you - working through the hurt you've suffered and caused. Figuring out what works for you and what doesn't. And whilst doing all this reading the books, absorbing the culture, studying the subjects that interest you - not just the ones you think will end up being useful. Then you might have a chance at becoming the sort of person that's decent and kind and interesting and interested. 

At least, that is the plan...

Big Sister Life Advice

I love Lena Dunham almost as much as I love her tattoos. Which is a lot.

Sartorial Elegance

The chubby Little Mix'er girl is SO AMAZING and  lover her SO FREAKING MUCH. (Despite having no idea what her name is apart from 'The Chubby One' or 'The Best One')

What is this outfit? (Apart from pure brilliance).
Cheetara hair? CHECK
PINK lipstick to better contrast fake bake tan? CHECK
Clothes she found in a dump outside the Tron Legacy film lot? CHECK

I'm not saying I want to do anything weird with her - just snuggle under a blanket together and stroke her face while she gives me tips on living life.

I could have so done with this column 5 or so years ago

Just write “MURDER,” and then one minute later send a wink face.

Woah

Both of these individuals are conventionally attractive so I look at this, and think back to every time a camera shot has caught me at an unflattering angle (which are the photos I spend most time obsessing over), and have decided that maybe those pictures are not representative and I'm not so bad after all.

(Though it's still debatable).

Exhausted

How come it is only ever celebrities who are treated for exhaustion?

Have you ever known anyone that's had exhaustion that requires hospitalisation in 'real' life? I know/have known people with ME or CFS but that's not what they are being treated for, which, in my limited knowledge, are chronic conditions that last years rather than weeks and cannot be fixed by a quick spell in a clinic.

I'm genuinely curious as to what 'exhaustion' (the sort of exhaustion you need to go to hospital for) is like. In the case of Demi I can understand that going through a divorce is crazy stressful and I wouldn't have the arrogance to think I can understand her or her life, BUT, for instance, I have a full time job, volunteer for three different charities, have just started a counselling course, and try to maintain some semblance of a social life but if I went to a hospital and said 'I'm exhausted' (which sometimes I do feel), in the best case scenario they would say 'ok, go and get some rest then?' and then I'd say 'good idea' and go and do that.

I sometimes think my brain is too literal. I always tend to take people at face value and believe what they are telling me is true (which is how I get taken in by my boyf telling me 'Dr Pepper' is known as 'Dr Sel' in France "and isn't it weird they didn't call it 'Dr Poire'?") so that's probably why I'm struggling to understand this as it just seems like this word 'exhaustion' in this context is a signifier that everyone else understands and I don't, or a trick that is either fooling everyone or no one.

I guess what I'm asking is, how does the world work and how can  understand that better? Anyone?

Career change

I'm going be a psychic y'all! Because a free online test told me so!

Also, check the illustrious company I find myself in:

Clearly my personality type is: 'Total Baller'

I was a political prisoner

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Or: 'why the Princess/Prince Charming fantasy will only lead to crushing heartache and bitter disappointment, maybe it's better to aim for being a self-actualised adult instead of wishing for someone to save you from yourself?' 

29 things that make me happy at the start of 2012

• leopard print
• liquid eye liner
• fairy lights
• reading books
• going to the cinema
• videos of baby polar bear cub
• my boyf's face
• my boyf's chest
• my boyf when I make him do a proper throw back his head and guffaw laugh
• my boyf in general
• this picture
• red dog
• black dog
• my mum's rice pudding
• tidying up
• getting clean when I've not showered for a day (or more :/)
• big tea (tea in a big mug)
• writing
• when my nephew sits in the crook of my arm and idly plays with my belly fat
• listening to heavy rain (when its not being blown in the direction that makes it come in through my living room window)
• painting pictures of women that you wouldn't normally see painted pictures of (Ethel Merman, Judi Dench, Elizabeth Moss)
• being busy
• doing nothing
• thinking about what God means
• going for big walks
• being near the sea
• crossing things off of to do lists
• brightly coloured lipstick
• being in love with someone amazing who is in love with me

Observation

Don't you hate it when you have to go to one of the three volunteering jobs you have but all you really want to do is stay at home drawing twee pictures in the style of Virginia Frances Sterrett instead?

(Not sure I've quite got the hang of observational comedy yet?)

(Maybe this stuff works better if I'm stood against a brick wall with slap bass sountracking any interludes?)

(I also brushed my teeth before having breakfast so no orange juice for me because I am an idiot).

(Today is the worst).

'I don't find you annoying even a little bit'

me: hihi

7:54 PM oiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

bing bong

bingbingbingbingbingbingbingbing

BONG

ding dong

dingdingdingdingdingdingding

DONG

7:55 PM DINGDONGDINGDONG

boooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Workin' hard or hardly workin'?

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